Jarod Kintz Quotes About Hear

Browse 58 famous quotes of Jarod Kintz about Hear.

"How to Lose Weight Through the Miracle of Diarrhea. That sounds like a bestselling Romance novel title if I've ever heard one. I'm a sucker for a good love story." ~ Jarod Kintz
"When I hear people say Rest In Peace, I get jealous, because I'm a restless sleeper." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Her name was Melody, and she was like a song. A song on mute—because she was mute. Music to my heart." ~ Jarod Kintz
"They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Love is an empty bottle, and it makes my heart thirsty thinking how fast I chugged it" ~ Jarod Kintz
"My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I paid too much." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He'll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can't read my heart. But it's not for His benefit, it's for my neighbors'." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I went out to eat on a restaurant's opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I'd be dining there and came to adore me." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Love is an art. Mine could fill a museum the size of your heart." ~ Jarod Kintz
"This picture has a lot of motion and features one person being forcibly removed. Reminds me of the commotion of my heart. Love is a lot like a crime scene." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Ms. Payne brought my heart much pain. To think that such a beautiful woman could possibly do something so ugly as murder made my heart dry up—as all the blood rushed to my aroused nether region." ~ Jarod Kintz
"When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don't know—I'm not Nicholas Sparks." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I'm glad scrambled eggs don't have lips, because when I'm grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I've eaten a man for less than that." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I wrote a book on sex. It's got a hole in it so you can literally fornicate with it. I've only sold one copy, but I've heard that the buyer shared the book with all his fellow congressmen." ~ Jarod Kintz
"A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an artificial heart could replace the brick." ~ Jarod Kintz
"My love is like one of those wooden Russian nesting dolls (matryoshka doll). I know, because your heart fits perfectly inside mine." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob." ~ Jarod Kintz
"A quick smile, a nod of recognition, a hearty laugh, these are the sorts things you can do to make people feel welcomed as you keep them locked up in your torture dungeon." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she's dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held." ~ Jarod Kintz
"When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Love speaks to the heart like a mime to a mute." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I don't need love. I live in a forest. The quiet is my companion. The cold is my warmth. My heart once suffered from frostbite, but I removed and replaced it with a fuel pump." ~ Jarod Kintz
"As our bodies are mostly made of water, I'd rather be hungry than thirsty. And as love is mostly made up of sugar water, I'd rather be a hummingbird caged in your heart." ~ Jarod Kintz
"If I'm going to write a book every American will want to read, it's got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch." ~ Jarod Kintz
"In a blind taste test, nine out of ten Helen Kellers preferred Blue Ribbon Coffee to Starbucks. The tenth Helen Keller, well, she claimed she didn't hear the question." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Heard, Seen, and Dunn et al." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like my ex wife's heart—it was just too frigid to melt. So I called up a midget, buckled myself in on his back, and had him give me a ride home. Ah, but that's life, no?" ~ Jarod Kintz
"I heard a song I hate and I thought of her. Ah, such is love." ~ Jarod Kintz
"The moment I heard her name I fell in love. Of course I fell in love with the wrong name, so I made her legally change her name to match that of my love interest." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I'm an invisibility salesman, and it's like I always say, "What you see is what you get." Of course, I say it silently, so people probably don't hear me." ~ Jarod Kintz
"If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I'm suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn't heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I'm no Brad Pitt. So what is she after? Most likely it's my horse cock." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I was saddened to hear about a death in her family. I'd much rather hear about many deaths in her family." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I write music—for whales. You can't hear it, but rest assured, it's excellent. Mostly they're love songs. Listen with your heart—but be careful, because my songs have an irregular beat." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I hear "I love you," but I see "I love myself."" ~ Jarod Kintz
"I recently heard of a group called The Lipsticks who only sing Kiss hits, which reminds me of something weird ?I saw yesterday. ?I saw Elvis. And he was impersonating me." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Whiskey burns—my throat, not a forest. Love burns—my heart, not a forest. As for the forest, it burnt itself. At least that's what I told the police during their interrogation." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I'm not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis." ~ Jarod Kintz
"Lead is to lead as follow is to follow. And lead is to lead as a type of metal is to a type of metal. Which brings me to my point: To love is to lead with your heart, while allowing your ego to sink like lead." ~ Jarod Kintz
"To understand involves the intellect, but to be understanding involves the heart." ~ Jarod Kintz
"It's hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about peace." ~ Jarod Kintz
"When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, "How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a small dent, it makes me want to cry out to God in despair."" ~ Jarod Kintz
"A guitar is not a baseball bat, despite me being known as the Babe Ruth of music. And if some have called me the Beethoven of coffee, I haven't heard it because I'm deaf to their praise." ~ Jarod Kintz
"If love were a color, it would be green. At least for me. But her love is blue, and she's too cool to see that my envy is just amped up jealousness, and a display of how much I care about her and want to see her happy, alone, and imprisoned in the castle of my heart." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I'm not Helen Keller—I'm Van Gogh. It's not that I can't hear, it's that I don't use my ears." ~ Jarod Kintz
"She stole my heart, so I stole it back—plus some other items of value." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I didn't list listening as one of my skills, probably because I didn't hear what the interviewer asked." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I love with the heart of two men. Well, I would, if that damned neurosurgeon would go ahead and replace my left brain with the heart of a midget." ~ Jarod Kintz
"I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back. I got rejected immediately." ~ Jarod Kintz
"If I can't see the bottom, I don't know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick? I suppose because it keeps the engine of your heart running smooth." ~ Jarod Kintz
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Today's Quote

I suppose that someday, suddenly, I will be transferred to another age, for example the chivalric or the bronze. The hope is, of course, that I arrive in period dress but not resemble a contemporary luminary, for I wish to simply onlook. But, more probably, thanks to chronologically garbled garb, or my mistakable face—which will lead to expectations of competence—I will have to explain my occurrence. That explained, I will have to explain my age, The Present, also known as "The Future" in the past. This is why I am studying our great inventions and advances: to be ready for questions."
Author: Amy Leach

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