Top Asshole Quotes

Browse top 467 famous quotes and sayings about Asshole by most favorite authors.

Favorite Asshole Quotes

1. "Why should we always try to be true to our natural selves? What if our natural selves are assholes? Stalin was true to himself"
Author: A.J. Jacobs
2. "Once you admit to yourself that you are or aren't something, then you can begin searching for the reason why," Deuce went on. "And once you've found that, you can begin to take steps toward making it better. So, tell yourself you're an asshole, stop being an asshole, your problem's solved," Deuce said in a pleased voice."
Author: Abigail Roux
3. "Why don't I like you?""Because you think I'm an asshole, and I'm not really, I'm just British and, well, you're not."
Author: Alan Rickman
4. "There are four kinds of people to avoid in the world: the assholes, the asswipes, the ass-kissers, and those that just will shit all over you."
Author: Anthony Liccione
5. "He's such an asshole you'd never believe he could be religious, but he is."
Author: Candace Bushnell
6. "In your twenties you're becoming who you're going to be and so you might as well not be an asshole."
Author: Cheryl Strayed
7. "I made a vow to myself to never be fooled again by a man or a halo wearing asshole with wings."
Author: Christine Zolendz
8. "We really have to get going," Sam said. "Can we leave the car here and pick it up later?"The monk said, "Does a dog have a Buddha nature?"Does a fish have a watertight asshole?" said Coyote."
Author: Christopher Moore
9. "You try to make the world a better place and what does it get you? I mean, Christ, how the hell does one man stand a chance against four billion assholes?"
Author: Daniel Clowes
10. "The asshole slipped Peggy a five-spot to bring him his burger first. Never trust a man with a penis."
Author: Darynda Jones
11. "I mean that it's all right to go to bed with an asshole but don't ever have a baby with one."
Author: David Gilmour
12. "Because when a guy's a jerk or an asshole, it's easier because you know exactly where you stand."
Author: David Levithan
13. "...the day shit is worth money, poor people will be born without an asshole"
Author: Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez
14. "Stridey-Man' asked, Want 2 vacay w/me?William snorted as he typed. Romantic getaway for 2? UR not my type, dickwad.Fuck U. i'm everybody's types. So U in or out?Last chance in or out?InKnew U couldn't resist me. B ready in 5.Right on. Make it 10. I want 2 style my hair for U. U know, just how U like it.ASSHOLE."
Author: Gena Showalter
15. "I took the T from Logan airport to Harvard Square. I hate driving in Boston. It's the traffic that drives me spare, and the absolutely terrible manners of the motorists. Other New Englanders refer to Massachusetts drivers as "Massholes."
Author: Geraldine Brooks
16. "The kid looked at me as if I'd just told a joke about his mother. ‘I don't know, Mr Dunne, I'm sure they're getting the details right now. The point is, your wife is safe.'Hurray. Kid stole my line.I spotted Rand and Marybeth through the doorway of the room where we'd given our first press conference six weeks ago. They were leaning in to each other, as always, Rand kissing the top of Marybeth's head, Marybeth nuzzling him back, and I felt such a keen sense of outrage that I almost threw a stapler at them. You two worshipful, adoring assholes created that thing down the hall and set her loose on the world. Lo, how jolly, what a perfect monster! And do they get punished? No, not a single person had come forth to question their characters; they'd experienced nothing but an outpouring of love and support, and Amy would be restored to them and everyone would love her more. My wife was an insatiable sociopath before. What would she become now?Step carefully, Nick, step very carefully."
Author: Gillian Flynn
17. "I'm about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: the word "busy" is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes."
Author: Greg Behrendt
18. "Sorry Raphael. My friends are complete, fucking…." He looked up.I tried to jerk back inside, but it was too late.Cam saw me. "Assholes…" He did a double take. "What the…?"Would dive bombing into my apartment seem weird? Yes—yes it would. So I went with a very lame, "Hey…"
Author: J. Lynn
19. "You are a complete asshole, you know that?""I've been called worse," he said, helping me off the stool."
Author: Jamie McGuire
20. "Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo "Assistant" around your asshole."
Author: Jarod Kintz
21. "My face doesn't match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place."
Author: Jarod Kintz
22. "I really am sorry, Micky, for what it's worth. You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You were my life. I mean, I know I didn't show that to you, and I'll forever hate myself for that. But you need to know, I loved you so fucking much. I still love you. Whenever I look at my future, it was always you... When I thought about my life... You were the one walking down the aisle towards me, raising our kids. I always smiled to myself when I thought about it, that it was you that was going to be there for me every night, when I got home from work, you in your study, writing your books. A few kids, a decent house. It was perfect in my mind. You were perfect. You are perfect and I threw it all away, because I'm such a fucking asshole, and I can't take it back. I can't fucking take it back, and I can't have you back, and all of this... this life I have, none of this shit is worth it, not without you."
Author: Jay McLean
23. "I'm a bad bet, Sunshine, but if you're willing to give me a whirl around the ring, I'm yours. Because you've got me so twisted up inside that I barely know if up is down. I'm so inside my head that I'm coming out of my asshole. Have mercy on me."
Author: Jen Frederick
24. "When she leaned forward to mess with the AC vents, her hair brushed against my leg and it was really soft. It made remember all over again. It made it hard to stay pissed and keep her at arm's length the way I'd planned. It was pretty near damn impossible. When I was near her, I just wanted to grab her and hold her and kiss the shit out of her. Maybe then she'd forget about my asshole of a brother."
Author: Jenny Han
25. "„Listen," Richard says, „unless you're about to inherit some money, what we're talking about here is irreversible, fatal. You have fiscal Ebola, Matt. You are bleeding out through your nose and your mouth and your eye sockets, from your financial asshole." See! Fiscal Ebola? My financial asshole is bleeding? This was exactly why I started; there are money poets everywhere."
Author: Jess Walter
26. "We've already established whoever is writing us is an asshole."
Author: John Scalzi
27. "Jesus "...It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who do Evil Shit in My Name."
Author: Kevin Hearne
28. "Hey! When he dug into it, rifling through her things, she snapped, "Go Yoda someone else's supplies, asshole."
Author: Kresley Cole
29. "Listen to me and listen to me good," she ground out. "You are an asshole. You don't tell me what to do, ever. The day you control my life, well, that day is when hell freezes over. I'm not some weak little wife type, asshole, and I don't need a man to control me or tell me what to do. If you ever try to pull this shit again I'll show you weak when they have to surgically remove my shoe from your ass. When you walk in the door of my house after you find a way back there, you have five minutes to pack up your things and get the hell out or you'll need that surgery. I want you to get on a plane, take your miserable, bitchy little bald ass out of my life, and don't ever come near me again. Do you hear me?"
Author: Laurann Dohner
30. "But it wasn't fair that he was so good-looking. He was such an asshole, and not in a charming way."
Author: Lauren Conrad
31. "Time doesn't change anything; that is why we still worship asshole Arabs."
Author: M.F. Moonzajer
32. "Motherfuck," Deuce muttered, staring after him. "Ten bucks says he fucked that mouthy little asshole. Motherfuckin' little fuck can't keep it in his pants for shit. Cocksucker would fuck a hole in the wall. Probably has."
Author: Madeline Sheehan
33. "No, Elenore's something else. You're beautiful. Especially when you look at me with that 'boy he's a condescending asshole' expression....Yea. Beautiful."
Author: Maggie Stiefvater
34. "Heathers!" I said triumphantly. "I think I've got that one here somewhere.""Hey. Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no-fags allowed policy?""What?""The answer is, 'They seem to have an open door policy on assholes, though, don't they?'"I just stood there, trying to figure out if he was calling me a fag or an asshole or both, and he rolled his eyes at me again."It's a line from Heathers, man."
Author: Marie Sexton
35. "Compassion: listening to a month's worth of snivelling when you break up with yet another asshole."
Author: Martyn V. Halm
36. "Those are pretty. Did he leave you your dignity after he cut you up?""Asshole." Shelby didn't flinch. There was no pity in his voice, just the familiar shit talk. "You got a lot of room to talk. Looks like someone tried to cut your dick off but missed.""Good thing too or I wouldn't be able to make your mother scream every night."
Author: Mercy Celeste
37. "He nodded then cocked his head and gave me a sharp, policeman like look, as though realizing that he had been on the wrong page with me all along. I fell under the heading of Dealing with Assholes."
Author: Michael Chabon
38. "You're screwed, scum, and not in the way you'd like, either. Irony's a bitch, isn't it?""You wouldn't say that if you knew who I am."Vol's bounty hunter laughs. "Trust me, I've seen an asshole before. Drop the sword now."
Author: Nenia Campbell
39. "I'm sorry, Eve. I love you. I'm not letting you do this."She screamed and battered harder. "You love me? You asshole! Let me go!"
Author: Rachel Caine
40. "Asshole." "Just for that, I expect you to wrap that dirty mouth of yours around my cock tonight." He narrowed his eyes on me.I couldn't believe he'd just said that to me in a fancy restaurant where anyone might overhear. "Are you kidding?" "Babe," he gave me a look that suggested I was missing the obvious, "I never kid about blowjobs."Our waiter had descended on us just in time to hear those romantic words and his rosy cheeks betrayed his embarrassment. "Ready to order?" he croaked out."Yes," Braden answered, obviously uncaring he'd been overhead. "I'll have the steak, medium-rare." He smiled softly at me. "What are you having?" He took a swig of water. He thought he was so cool and funny. "Apparently sausage." Braden choked on the water, coughing into his fists, his eyes bright with mirth as he put his glass back on the table. "Are you okay, sir?" The waiter asked anxiously. "I'm fine, I'm fine."
Author: Samantha Young
41. "I like the way you look at me," I said seriously. "Sometimes when you do, your eyes light up, and I think maybe I could be Lucky enough for you to care about a fucked up asshole like me.""That's love, you know," Raine said with a smile. "I see it in your eyes when you look at me, too."
Author: Shay Savage
42. "Laugh it up, asshole. But she who laughs last laughs longest, and I intend to belly roll tonight ~Tabitha"
Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
43. "Zarekshrugged, taking it in stride. "I'm an asshole. I admit it. I've beengoing to weekly Assholes Anonymous meetings, but it takes a long time to undo afew thousand years of habit. And to think you have even more years to undo thanme." -ZAREK"
Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
44. "Then get your butt out there and watch them. (Remi)Nice attitude, Rem. Really, you should see about suing whatever asshole sold it to you. (Aimee)"
Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
45. "Some guys-a lot of guys-don't believe what they are seeing, especially if it gets in the way of what they want to eat or drink or believe. Me, I don't believe in God. But if i saw him, I would. I wouldn't just go around saying, "Jesus, that was a great special effect." The definition of an asshole is a guy who doesn't believe what he's seeing."
Author: Stephen King
46. "He's tender and defenseless, as if every part of him is exposed. He's not the asshole I thought he was, not even close. What I see is someone broken and fierce. Someone loyal and hardened. Someone who could belong to me completely, and me to him."
Author: Suzanne Young
47. "Otter pulls me up to the bar and leans over. "What's wrong? You stink!" he shouts. I glare at him. "I smell fine, you asshole. I used your cologne." He rolls his eyes and comes closer, his lips against my ear. I shiver. "I said, what do you want to drink?"
Author: T.J. Klune
48. "We were encouraged to propose safetyprevention suggestions, and write them all down— locking doors, walking or exercising with a friend, wearing shoes that don't hinder running. Erin's suggestion of "Avoid assholes" was popular."
Author: Tammara Webber
49. "I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand."Very funny asshole. Looks like you're on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry."
Author: Tara Sivec
50. "There are two more turds, smaller ones, and when he has eaten these, residual shit to lick out of her anus. He prays that she'll let him drop the cape over himself, to be allowed, in the silk-lined darkness, to stay a while longer with his submissive tongue straining upward into her asshole. But she moves away. The fur evaporates from his hands. She orders him to masturbate for her. She has watched Captain Blicero with Gottfried, and has learned the proper style."
Author: Thomas Pynchon

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Sometimes the slightest things change the directions of our lives, the merest breath of a circumstance, a random moment that connects like a meteorite striking the earth. Lives have swiveled and changed direction on the strength of a chance remark."
Author: Bryce Courtenay

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