Top Funny Old Maids Quotes

Browse top 27 famous quotes and sayings about Funny Old Maids by most favorite authors.

Favorite Funny Old Maids Quotes

1. "Well, then she had to be tolchoked proper with one of the weights for the scales, and then a fair tap with a crowbar they had for opening cases, and that brought out red like an old friend. So we had her down on the floor and a rip of her platties for fun and a gentle bit of the boot to stop her moaning."
Author: Anthony Burgess
2. "Perhaps, in our heightened state, we pick up weak psychic energy around us, such as the angst of a teenager, for instance, or the unfocused rage of a demented old man, and amplify it a hundredfold."
Author: Christa Faust
3. "The old rule about how a thing of beauty is a joy forever, in my experience, even the most beauteous thing is only a joy for about three hours, tops. After that, she'll want to tell you all about her childhood traumas. Part of meeting these jail girls is it's so sweet to look at your watch and know she'll be behind bars in half an hour."
Author: Chuck Palahniuk
4. "I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home."
Author: Dark Jar Tin Zoo
5. "Flipped through memories like old copies of National Geographic, pages in a yellowing high-school year book, cable-television channels looking for a baseball game."
Author: Dennis Vickers
6. "«…you're too old not to have had, how shall I say, certain experiences. You've had bad internet dates. You've had people be creeps to you. You've seen what you've seen; you've felt what you've felt. Ideology is for people who don't trust their own experiences and perceptions of the world»«I feel like I am going mad»«Madness is actually quite rare in individuals. It's groups of people who go mad. Countries, cults ... religions»"
Author: Douglas Coupland
7. "When you vote, you only change the names of the cabinet. When you shoot, you pull down governments, inaugurate new epochs, abolish old orders and set up new."
Author: George Bernard Shaw
8. "Seems I'm never too old to be wrong."
Author: Hannah
9. "I'm an old man, now. I've been alone since my 17th birthday. I'd wanted to marry, have a bunch of kids, and maybe be a grandpa. The big family around the Thanksgiving table, laughing and pouring wine and cracking jokes and harmlessly teasing the missus—I wanted that. I wanted to do something good with my life—something right. I didn't want what happened to Danny, my best childhood friend, to be the only mark I'd ever make in this world. But I thought it best not to fancy such hopes and dreams: a family, love. I'd been cursed by my best friend, and I thought it right not to inflict that curse on anyone who'd be foolish enough to love me."
Author: J. Tonzelli
10. "Believe me, I know all about bottle acoustics. I spent much of the sixth century in an old sesame oil jar, corked with wax, bobbing about in the Red Sea. No one heard my hollers. In the end an old fisherman set me free, by which time I was desperate enough to grant him several wishes. I erupted in the form of a smoking giant, did a few lightning bolts, and bent to ask him his desire. Poor old boy had dropped dead of a heart attack. There should be a moral there, but for the life of me I can't see one."
Author: Jonathan Stroud
11. "How funny we are, I thought, the way we dance about each other, each afraid of being hurt by the other."
Author: Judith Merkle Riley
12. "We have eyes like twins"eyes that disappear when we smile,eyes the color of a storm-tossed sea, an evening sky, or the soft-worn blue of that old denim shirt I borrowed when we were girls and still shared everything..."
Author: Kate Mullane Robertson
13. "In the old days, people used to risk their lives in India or in the Americas in order to bring back products which now seem to us to have been of comically little worth."
Author: Levi Strauss
14. "Comedy is not commercial; it is risky, because what is funny in one place isn't always funny somewhere else."
Author: Lloyd Kaufman
15. "Gansey had no idea how old Blue was. He knew she'd just finished eleventh grade. Maybe she was sixteen. Maybe she was eighteen. Maybe she was twenty-two and just very short and remedial."
Author: Maggie Stiefvater
16. "So we don't believe that life is beautiful because we don't recall it but if we get a whiff of a long-forgotten smell we are suddenly intoxicated and similarly we think we no longer love the dead because we don't remember them but if by chance we come across an old glove we burst into tears."
Author: Marcel Proust
17. "You cant reach old age by another man's road, my habits protect my life but they would assassinate you"
Author: Mark Twain
18. "Darker thoughts crowded in during the deepest hours of the night when he woke listening to the secret mystifying sounds of the sleeping palace. Many nights, the king was there. Pleasant, irrelevant, and distracting, he eased Relius past nightmares and self-recrimination. Some nights he said nothing at all, just comforted with his presence. Other nights he related the events of his day, spewing out his insights and analyses of the Attolian court in a devastatingly funny critique."
Author: Megan Whalen Turner
19. "True economy consists in always making the income exceed the out-go. Wear the old clothes a little longer if necessary; dispense with the new pair of gloves; mend the old dress: live on plainer food if need be; so that, under all circumstances, unless some unforeseen accident occurs, there will be a margin in favor of the income."
Author: P. T. Barnum
20. "Now look here, old friend," I said. "I know your bally heart is broken and all that, and at some future time I shall be delighted to hear all about it, but - ""I didn't come to talk about that.""No? Good egg!""The past," said young Bingo, "is dead. Let us say no more about it.""Right-o!""I have been wounded to the very depths of my soul, but don't speak about it.""I won't.""Ignore it. Forget it.""Absolutely!"I hadn't seen him so dashed reasonable for days."
Author: P.G. Wodehouse
21. "Allowing anyone, even Mairelon, not only to come close to her, but to circle her waist with his arms brought back old fears, though she had to admit that the sensation was pleasurable on those rare occasions when she could relax enough to enjoy it."
Author: Patricia C. Wrede
22. "When I see a couple of kidsAnd guess he's fucking her and she'sTaking pills or wearing a diaphragm,I know this is paradiseEveryone old has dreamed of all their lives—Bonds and gestures pushed to one sideLike an outdated combine harvester,And everyone young going down the long slide"
Author: Philip Larkin
23. "A funny thing about women and machines: the combination made men curious."
Author: Rachel Kushner
24. "Mothers give us life, love, and the heartfelt inclination to cry, 'I want my mommy,' no matter how old we get."
Author: Richelle E. Goodrich
25. "I know women are taught by other women that they must never admit the full truth to a man. But the highest form of affection is based on full sincerity on both sides. Not being men, these women don't know that in looking back on those he has had tender relations with, a man's heart returns closest to her who was the soul of truth in her conduct. The better class of man, even if caught by airy affectations of dodging and parrying, is not retained by them. A Nemesis attends the woman who plays the game of elusiveness too often, in the utter contempt for her that, sooner or later, her old admirers feel; under which they allow her to go unlamented to her grave."
Author: Thomas Hardy
26. "To Polyakov it was as though a fierce wind from downstream was sweeping up the Volga. Several times he was knocked off his feet; he fell to the ground no longer knowing what world he lived in, whether he was old or young, what was up and what was down. But Klimov dragged him along and finally they slid to the bottom of a huge crater. Here the darkness was threefold: the darkness of night, the darkness of dust and smoke, the darkness of a deep pit.They lay there beside one another; the same soft light, the same prayer for life filled both their heads. It was the same light, the same touching hope that glows in all heads and all hearts – in those of birds and animals as well as in those of human beings."
Author: Vasily Grossman
27. "You know, 'Viggo' is a pretty dorky name in Denmark. It's like 'Oswald' or something. It's a very old Scandinavian name, at least 1,000 years old."
Author: Viggo Mortensen

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I was being called to surrender the very citadel of my self. I was completely in the dark. I did not really know what repentance was or what I was required to repent of. It was indeed the turning point of my life."
Author: Bede Griffiths

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