Top Jokes On You Quotes

Browse top 43 famous quotes and sayings about Jokes On You by most favorite authors.

Favorite Jokes On You Quotes

1. "Lucius shrugged. "Perhaps in time you will find it useful.""Sure. I'll keep it on my shelf right next to The Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Mythical Creature.''Lucius actually laughed. "Very funny. I didn't know you made jokes.""I'm a funny person," I defended myself. "And by the way—I don't snore.""You do snore. And you mumble, too."My blood froze. The dream . . . "What? What did you hear?""Nothing too intelligible. But it must have been a rather pleasant dream. You sounded ecstatic."
Author: Beth Fantaskey
2. "So you're really going to the dance?"I nodded as I sipped from the mug."Alone?""Not technically.There should be other people there too."He raised his eyebrows. "Did my sullen daughter just make a joke?" I smiled as he gave a chuckle. "You always used to make jokes when you were nervous," he said. His smile disappeared and he put a hand on my arm. "Are you nervous?"He knew me better than I thought. "A little.""Then why are you doing? I mean, won't most everyone there have dates?" He cleared his throat. "Because Tommy and I have a mean game of Uno planned."I hugged him. "Thanks,Dad. Wish me luck."
Author: Brodi Ashton
3. "Matter never makes jokes: it is always full of the tragically serious. Who dares to think that you can play with matter, that you can shape it for a joke, that the joke will not be built in, will not eat into it like fate, like destiny? Can you imagine the pain, the dull imprisoned suffering, hewn into the matter of that dummy which does not know why it must be what it is, why it must remain in that forcibly imposed form which is no more than a parody? Do you understand the power of form, of expression, of pretense, the arbitrary tyranny imposed on a helpless block, and ruling it like its own, tyrannical, despotic soul?"
Author: Bruno Schulz
4. "A forty-foot worm?" Will muttered to Jem as they moved through the Italian garden, their boots-thanks to a pair of soundless runes-making no noise on the gravel. "Think of the size of the fish we could catch."Jem's lips twitched. "It's not funny, you know.""It is a bit.""You cannot reduce the situation to worm jokes, Will. This is Gabriel and Gideon's father we're discussing.""We're not just discussing him; we're chasing him through an ornamental sculpture garden because he's turned into a worm.""A demonic worm," said Jem, pausing to peer cautiously around a hedgerow. "A great serpent. Would that help your inapropriate humor?""There was a time where my inapropriate humor brought you a certain amusement," sighed Will. "How the worm has turned.""Will-"
Author: Cassandra Clare
5. "There are things you do when you're writing that are so fun to do it's almost like they're private jokes that are amusing to you but no one else is going to enjoy them nearly as much and you worry you're going to have to take them out in the end."
Author: Chad Harbach
6. "Scout - oblivious to our jokes at her expense - pushed forward. "I don't understand why you're arguing with me. You know you have no chance."Michael clutched at his chest dramatically. "You're killing me, Scout. Really. There's chest pain - a tightness." He faked a groan."
Author: Chloe Neill
7. "One day you're going to see her holding hands with someone who took your chance. She won't even notice you because she's too busy laughing with the stupid jokes he makes. And it will burn your heart seeing that beautiful smile on her face and realizing that you're not the reason anymore. And then it will hit you: it was her, it was always her."
Author: Elisabeth Van Den Abeele
8. "…anyway it wasn't your reading that started this. It was the laugher, the carefree laughter, the three dimensional Coca Cola advertisement that you were, the try-anything-once friends, the imperviousness to all that came before you, the chain phone calls, the in-jokes, the instant success, the beach houses, the white lace underwear, the private dancing, the good-graced acceptance pf part-time shift work, the apparent absence of expectations, the ever-changing disposable cults of the rural, the family, the eastern, the modern, the postmodern, the impoverished, the sleekly deregulated, the orgasm, the feminine, the feminist, and then the way you canceled with the air of one making a salad"
Author: Elliot Perlman
9. "Sorrow comes with so many defense mechanisms. You have your shock, yourdenial, your getting wasted, your cracking jokes, and your religion. You alsohave the old standby catchall—the blind belief in fate, the whole "thingshappening for a reason" drill."
Author: Emily Giffin
10. "Writing is for stories to be read, books to be published, poems to be recited, plays to be acted, songs to be sung, newspapers to be shared, letters to be mailed, jokes to be told, notes to be passed, recipes to be cooked, messages to be exchanged, memos to be circulated, announcements to be posted, bills to be collected, posters to be displayed and diaries to be concealed. Writing is for ideas, action, reflection, and experience. It is not for having your ignorance exposed, your sensitivity destroyed, or your ability assessed."
Author: Frank Smith
11. "Cool. I'm Kathryn, but everyone calls me Kat. And do not make any cat jokes or I'll have to hurt you. With my claws." she waved the long, blunt tips of her fingers at me. "Truth be told, I stopped speaking meow a long time ago." speaking meow? "I'm guessing calling you pretty kitty is out."
Author: Gena Showalter
12. "Animula vagula blandulaHospes comesque corporisQuae nunc abibis? In LocaPallidula rigida nudulanec ut soles dabis Iocos.Little soul, you charming little wanderer, my body's guest and partner,where are you off to now?somewhere without colour, savage and bare;You'll crack no more of your jokes once you're there."
Author: Hadrian
13. "Death is nothing at all,I have only slipped into the next roomI am I and you are youWhatever we were to each other, that we are still.Call me by my old familiar name,Speak to me in the easy way which you always usedPut no difference in your tone,Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrowLaugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.Life means all that it ever meant.It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,Just around the corner.All is well."
Author: Henry Scott Holland
14. "Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed?" she jeered."Jokes? No,no, these are manners," replied Dumbledore."
Author: J.K. Rowling
15. "Many Jesuit jokes play on our (supposed) struggles to be humble. One has a Jesuit, a Franciscan, and a Dominican dying and going to heaven. They are ushered into God's throne room, where God is seated on an immense, diamond-encrusted gold chair. God says to the Dominican, "Son of St. Dominic, what do you believe?" The Dominican answers, "I believe in God the Father, Creator of heaven and earth." God asks the Franciscan, "Son of St. Francis, what do you believe?" The Franciscan says, "I believe in your son, Jesus, who came to work with the poor." Finally God turns to the Jesuit and from his great throne asks, "Son of St. Ignatius, what do you believe?" The Jesuit says, "I believe... you're in my seat!"
Author: James Martin
16. "The shapes inched closer. I gaped at them, trying to discern their features. "I think I see dead people," I whispered."Yep," Aidan said, smiling. "More vampire jokes. You're just fine, then. Once this is over, you and my brother will be BFFs." He wrapped his arms around me, pressing me against his broad chest. Against my better judgement, I leaned into him, strangely comforted."
Author: Jayde Scott
17. "If you're not interested in me, just tell me. You don't have to ruin me for all women.""I'm more about action than words." I'm glad he's making jokes, but I still wince. I drop to a crouch in front of Trent and ask in a low voice, "Are you okay? Seriously?""Yeah, I'll live. And by live, I mean curl up in the fetal position on my couch with a bag of ice on my nuts for the rest of the night.""I'll hold the ice," I offer in a soft whisper."
Author: K.A. Tucker
18. "She leaned into my shoulder. "Maybe you don't have to be a Caster to have power."I pushed her hair behind her ear. "Maybe you just have to fall for one."I said it, just like that. No stupid jokes, no changing the subject. For once, I wasn't embarrassed, because it was the truth. I had fallen. I think I had always been falling. And she might as well know, if she didn't already, because there was no going back now. Not for me.She looked up at me, and the whole world disappeared. Like there was just us, like there would always be just us, and we didn't need magic for that. It was sort of happy and sad, all at the same time. I couldn't be around her without feeling things, without feeling everything.What are you thinking?She smiled.I think you can figure it out. You can read the writing on the wall. And as she said it, there was writing on the wall. It appeared slowly, one word at a time.You'renottheonlyonefalling."
Author: Kami Garcia
19. "What's painful is that what you had together, all your inside jokes and favorite restaurants and that movie you both loved but everyone else hated—that's gone, and there's no replacement for it, you never replicate it, never get to have it ever again…"
Author: Kim Culbertson
20. "As we chatted, cracking the expected jokes at Danita's expense, I thought about how Danita let her search forthe real her take a physical shape while mine seemed to be taking a more internal shape. At least with my exploration, I didn't have to worry about how I'm going to pay for it, since just like cosmetic surgery isn't covered by most insurance plans,neither is searching for your true sexuality."
Author: LaToya Hankins
21. "This is not what I had in mind," she muttered to Bill,who was hovering,always,on the rim of the cupboard next to her washtub. She still wasn't used to being the only one in the kitchen who could see him. It made her nervous every time he hovered over other members of the staff,making dirty jokes that only Luce could hear and no one-besides Bill-ever laughed at."You children of the millenium have absolutely no work ethic," he said. "Keep your voice down,by the way."Luce unclenched her jaw. "If scrubbing this disgusting soup tureen had anything to do with understanding my past, my work ethic would make your head spin. But this is pointless." She waved a cast iron skillet in Bill's face.Its handle was slick with pork grease. "Not to mention nauseating."
Author: Lauren Kate
22. "While you were leaping headlong into an ambush you should have foreseen, she might have been attacked. She might have been killed or worse.'Rupert came to a halt. 'What could be worse than her being killed, do you think?''I thought I had communicated to you Mr. Salt's opinions and wishes in the matter of Mr. Archdale's disappearance,' Beechey said. 'I thought I used easily comprehended terms.''You did,' Rupert said. 'I told Mrs. Pembroke about it in much the same way.''You told -' After a pause, Beechey went on, his voice strained, 'You cannot have revealed our suspicions about the - ahem - places of dubious repute. This is one of your jokes, I daresay. Ha ha.''She said her brother was not in a brothel or opium den and I was on no account to go to such places looking for him,' Rupert said. 'I obeyed, as I was obliged to do. You did tell me I wasn't to upset her, did you not?'There followed the kind of furious silence with which Rupert was more than familiar."
Author: Loretta Chase
23. "Start dating someone who is funny, someone who has what in high school you called a "really great sense of humor" and what now your creative writing class calls "self-contempt giving rise to comic form." Write down all of his jokes, but don't tell him you are doing this. Make up anagrams of his old girlfriend's name and name all of your socially handicapped characters with them. Tell him his old girlfriend is in all of your stories and then watch how funny he can be, see what a really great sense of humor he can have."
Author: Lorrie Moore
24. "Your friends are at the house.'I sit up, straight. 'Who'?'I don't know. Weird people. The Sullivan girl, whose father got the Gosford police to pick you up.''Siobhan?''And another one who's making cups of tea for everyone, and keeping the boy who's telling Luca fart jokes away from the girl who says he's "the last bastion of patriarchal poor taste".''Justine, Thomas and Tara.'And the drug fiend, Jimmy, is keeping Mia calm and the Trombal boy's rung about ten times. I don't like his manner on the phone.''You won't like any guy's manner on the phone."
Author: Melina Marchetta
25. "An old love of my uncle's. Her name was Nott.""Not what?""Nott. Just Nott."Mack waited as long as he could before asking, "Not what?""Nott. That was he name. Nott.""Is that a joke?" Mack asked. "Like one of those 'not' jokes? Like if I said, 'I like your dress...not.'""What's the matter with my dress?" Xiao asked, a little irritated.Leaning forward, Jarrah asked, "Not what?""Not a what, a who," Mack explained to Jarrah. "Nothing!" he answered Xiao's question."Okay, then," Jarrah said. "Not who?""Are we there yet?" Stefan asked."I think Nott was Shen Long's girlfriend," Mack yelled back to Jarrah. The wind was fierce and cold now that Shen Long was picking up speed."Then what's this about nothing?" Jarrah asked."It's not about nothing," Mack said. "It's about Nott."There was a moment or two of silence. Then Jarrah said, "You know, I could push you right off this dragon's back."Mack thought that over for a second or two then said, "I'd prefer you not. Heh."
Author: Michael Grant
26. "The jokes I used to do on 'Sex and the City' were always comic character things, and they were rarely hard jokes. As soon as you go up in front of people, it demands laughter."
Author: Michael Patrick King
27. "The craft passed directly below Scathach and she released her grip and dropped onto the top of the vimana alongside Joan with enough force to send the larger craft plunging down. The French immortal laughed. "So nice of you-""Don't you dare crack any dropping-in jokes," Scathach warned before her friend could finish.The vimana dipped and spun, but the two women had firm grips on the transparent dome and held on while the pilot tilted the craft,attempting to shake them off."So long as he doesn't get too close to the lava," Scatty said, "we should be okay."At that moment the vimana dropped straight down, zooming dangerously close to the lava's sluggish bubbling surface."I think he heard you," Joan said, coughing as the air became almost unbreathable."
Author: Michael Scott
28. "I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet jokes, so this is just me getting it out of the way early, to avoid the rush..."To be, or not to be, that is the question. Weeelll.... More of A question really. Not THE question. Because, well, I mean, there are billions and billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, weeelll, you're looking at numbers that are positively astronomical and... for that matter the other question is what you lot are doing on this planet in the first place, and er, did anyone try just pushing this little red button?"
Author: Neil Gaiman
29. "Love is warmth. It's the inside jokes. It's the reassuring touch. It's the late night talks. It's the finding of common interests. It's the sharing of ice cream. It's the crying shoulder. It's the acceptance of what's ugly. It's the first time you see her without make up. It's the first time you see him pick his nose."
Author: Nessie Q.
30. "For all the clever jokes that could be made here involving "mind" and "matter" there is one sure and certain variation you can take with you to the grave: "In the grand scheme of things you don't matter very much, and the laws of physics don't mind at all."
Author: Patrick E. McLean
31. "You guys like to tell jokes and giggle and kid around, huh? Giggling like a bunch of young broads in a school yard. Well, let me tell you a joke: Five guys sitting in a bull pen, San Quentin. Wondering how the fuck they got there. What'd we do wrong? What should we've done? What didn't we do? It's your fault, my fault, his fault. All that bullshit. Finally, someone comes up with the idea, wait a minute, while we were planning this caper, all we did was sit around and tell fucking jokes. Got the message?"
Author: Quentin Tarantino
32. "Damn, damn, damn," she said. "I never said why I like you, and now I have to go.""That's okay," he said."It's because you're kind," she said. "And because you get all my jokes...""Okay." He laughed."And you're smarter than I am.""I am not.""And you look like a protagonist." She was talking as fast as she could think. "You look like the person who wins in the end. You're so pretty, and so good. You have magic eyes," she whispered. "And you make me feel like a cannibal.""You're crazy.""I have to go." She leaned over so the receiver was close to the base."Eleanor - wait," Park said. She could hear her dad in the kitchen and her heartbeat everywhere."Eleanor - wait - I love you."
Author: Rainbow Rowell
33. "What was love, really? Flowers, chocolate, and poetry? Or was it something else? Was it being able to finish someone's jokes? Was it having absolute faith that someone was there at your back? Was it knowing someone so well that they instantly understood why you did the things you did—and shared those same beliefs?"
Author: Richelle Mead
34. "Fat-bashing in all its varied forms–criticism, exclusion, shaming, fat talk, self-deprecation, jokes, gossip, bullying–is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice. From a very young age, before they can walk away or defend themselves, women are taught that they are how they look, not what they do or what they know. (1)"
Author: Robyn Silverman
35. "Jokes are hilarious only when you take them unreal and dreamlike, otherwise it becomes painful. So I always live otherworldly..."
Author: Saket Assertive
36. "Nobody loves me, nobody cares,Nobody picks me peaches and pears.Nobody offers me candy and Cokes,Nobody listens and laughs at me jokes.Nobody helps when I get into a fight,Nobody does all my homework at night.Nobody misses me,Nobody cries,Nobody thinks I'm a wonderful guy.So, if you ask me who's my best friend, in a whiz,I'll stand up and tell you NOBODY is!But yesterday night I got quite a scareI woke up and Nobody just WASN'T there!I called out and reached for Nobody's hand,In the darkness where Nobody usually stands,Then I poked through the house, in each cranny and nook,But I found SOMEBODY each place that I looked.I seached till I'm tired, and now with the dawn,There's no doubt about it-NOBODY'S GONE!!"
Author: Shel Silverstein
37. "In the most basic terms it was about how when we experience art without critical awareness we consent to the ideas being promoted, either intentionally or unintentionally, by the filmmaker. For instance, if you watch a racist comedian and laugh at his jokes, you are consenting to the prejudices inherent within them. Similarly, if you watch a movie which perpetuates conventional ideas about race, gender, etc., you are consenting to them and not affecting change in any way."
Author: Simon Pegg
38. "I was thinking we could get a picture of you holding a pitchfork or something. Maybe a big wooden cross? Sound good?"(Brian)She stared at him. He lifted his hands and leaned back in his seat, as if he was afraid she might start spitting on him. "Hey, only joking." "Very funny." "Oh, I do love jokes." Greyson Dante stood by her side. "Hello, Mr. Dante. I'm afraid this is a private conversation, so you will, of course, be going now."His grin widened. Was there no way to insult the man?"
Author: Stacia Kane
39. "Only a hundred years ago the idea that an order might arise without a personal Author appeared so nonsensical to you that it inspired seemingly absurd jokes, like the one about the pack of monkeys hammering away at typewriters until the Encyclopedia Britannica emerged. I recommend that you devote some of your free time to compiling an anthology of just such jokes, which amused your forebears as pure nonsense but now turn out to be parables of Nature."
Author: Stanisław Lem
40. "Dreams are cruel tortuous jokes that your mind plays on you each night of your life; a freak sideshow written by the days but directed by the years as your psyche unrelentingly taunts you with with false realities like a sadistic matador. Each night is different. Each bout of dreaming has its own unique nightmarish quality about it never to be recycled. And why should it? It's repertoire for agony is ever-generating."
Author: T.a.
41. "What would you think of an engineer who expounded the art of flying without revealing the secrets of the engine and propeller? That's what you do, you engineer of the human soul. Just that. You're a coward. You want the raisins out of my cake but you don't want the thorns of my roses. Haven't you too, little psychiatrist, been cracking silly jokes about me? Haven't you ridiculed me as "the prophet of bigger and better orgasms"? Have you never heard the whimpering of a young wife whose body has been desecrated by an impotent husband? Or the anguished cry of an adolescent bursting with unfulfilled love? Does your security still mean more to you than your patient? How long will you go on valuing your respectability above your medical mission? How long will you refuse to see that your pussyfooting procrastination is costing millions their lives?"
Author: Wilhelm Reich
42. "If he had but a little more brains, she thought to herself, I might make something of him; but she never let him perceive the opinion she had of him; listened with indefatigable complacency to his stories of the stable and the mess; laughed at all his jokes...When he came home, she was alert and happy; when he went out she pressed him to go; when he stayed at home, she played and sang for him, made him good drinks, superintended his dinner, warmed his slippers, and steeped his soul in comfort. The best of women {I have heard my grandmother say) are hypocrites. We don't know how much they hide from us: how watchful they are when they seem most artless and confidential: how often those frank smile which they wear so easily are traps to cajole or elude or disarm--I don't mean in your mere coquettes, but your domestic models and paragons of female virute."
Author: William Makepeace Thackeray
43. "Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself."
Author: Zach Galifianakis

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Have a smile on your face for everyone you meet, and a plan to kill them."
Author: Brad Thor

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