Top Masturbating Quotes

Browse top 27 famous quotes and sayings about Masturbating by most favorite authors.

Favorite Masturbating Quotes

1. "A perverse nature can be stimulated by anything. Any book can be used as a pornographic instrument, even a great work of literature if the mind that so uses it is off-balance. I once found a small boy masturbating in the presence of the Victorian steel-engraving in a family Bible."
Author: Anthony Burgess
2. "That should give him time for another wank. It was a good job masturbating didn't make you go blind."
Author: Barbara Elsborg
3. "New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating."
Author: Bill Maher
4. "Strangers when you meet, strangers when you part -a gymnasium of bodies namelessly masturbating each other. People with no morals often considered themselves more free, but mostly they lacked the ability to feel or to love. So they became swingers. The dead fucking the dead. There was no gamble or humor in their game -it was corpse fucking corpse. Morals were restrictive, but they were grounded on human experience down through the centuries. Some morals tended to keep people slaves in factories, in churches and true to the State. Other morals simply made good sense. It was like a garden filled with poisoned fruit and good fruit. You had to know which to pick and eat, which to leave alone."
Author: Charles Bukowski
5. "After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating."
Author: Chelsea Handler
6. "I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating."
Author: Chelsea Handler
7. "The women in porn plead to be abused. They call themselves whores and sluts. They are beaten and penetrated by groups of men. Their faces are covered with semen from dozens of masturbating men, their anuses are penetrated repeatedly by lines of partners, and they are raped. The women portrayed in the films exist to fulfill the desire of men in the most degrading and painful way possible. Nearly all porn dialogue includes lines from women such as I am a cunt, I am a bitch. I am a whore. I am a slut."
Author: Chris Hedges
8. "A homeless man once told me that dancing to rap music is the cultural equivalent of masturbating, and I'd sort of fell the same way about playing John Madden Football immediately after filing my income tax: It's fun, but - somehow - vaguely pathetic."
Author: Chuck Klosterman
9. "The worst part of writing fiction is the fear of wasting your life behind a keyboard. The idea that, dying, you'll realize you only lived on paper. Your only adventures were make-believe, and while the world fought and kissed, you sat in some dark room masturbating and making money."
Author: Chuck Palahniuk
10. "There will be others, many others. You'll try desperately to digest a single word through the acronym-laden gibberish, while beginning to wonder what the point of all this is, and also why you didn't feel that staple you just sent into your thigh. You usually do. You'll wonder what your company even does. After six years, you have no idea what an information system is, do you? Maybe you should ask. Maybe that's how this ends. You'll imagine how poetic it would be to simply unmute yourself and say, "Sorry to interrupt, guys, but what's an information system?"Still, your mind will drift further, envisioning how much more tolerable this call would be if you could just slowly masturbate during it. So you do. You masturbate during it. And it's beautiful. Masturbating, invisible within your three-walled fortress. Invisible… invisible… practically invisible."
Author: Colin Nissan
11. "I wouldn't give ten gallons of my own piss for clear sentence that gives the sense of a tree as a tree, when I revel in the nonsense of its being my own Grandfather, a letter from yesterday, or a masturbating fist."
Author: David Joseph Cribbin
12. "Motherfucker. You've got a tight grip. Must have been all those years of masturbating. You've got Voldemort's handshake, baby."
Author: Debra Anastasia
13. "God. I may end up being the first man in history capable of masturbating without touching himself. Look, Mom—no hands."
Author: Emma Chase
14. "How did I know? Paul, I've known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke."
Author: Heidi Cullinan Marie Sexton
15. "They would owe most of their success to a curious rape mania that rides on the shoulder of American journalism like some jeering, masturbating raven.Nothing grabs an editor's eye like a good rape."
Author: Hunter S. Thompson
16. "It's not really masturbating if you're jacking your clone off. It's more like politics."
Author: Jarod Kintz
17. "I suffer from tennis elbow. It's an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics."
Author: Jarod Kintz
18. "Someone could be paraphilic in both his erotic target and his favorite sex act. I mean, really, any pellismophilic nebulophile (someone whose most passionate moments involve masturbating in the foggy mist while listening to a person stutter) can see that."
Author: Jesse Bering
19. "He is bad in bed. I can see the roommate masturbating after the man falls asleep. I place the crosshairs over his heart. It would be a mercy killing. A man who goes to sleep without satisfying his woman deserves punishment. He sleeps through her self-pleasure? Death is too kind."
Author: Jessica Clare
20. "Star Wars is not entertainment. Star Wars is George Lucas masturbating to a picture of Joseph Campbell and conning billions of people into watching the money shot."
Author: John Scalzi
21. "There's a man masturbating in your bathroom!" She grabbed an umbrella from the foyer and held it in front of her like a weapon, poised for battle. "Ashlyn! Did you hear what I said? Call the police!"
Author: Kendall Ryan
22. "Homo sapiens is one of the few species on earth that care if they're seen having sex. The impala is unconcerned. The dingo roundly flaunts it. A masturbating chimpanzee will stare straight at you. To any creature other than you and I and 6 billion other privacy-needing H. sapiens, sex is like peeling a mango or scratching your ear. It's just something you do sometimes."
Author: Mary Roach
23. "Seizing an imaginary microphone, Dennis adopts a limp Estuary accent: 'Masturbating's changed a lot since I were a lad, Brian. In my day, we masturbated for the sheer love of it. Day and night we did it, all the kids on our estate, masturbating on the old waste ground, masturbating up against the wall of the house... I remember me mam coming out and shouting, "Stop that masturbating and come in for your tea! You'll never amount to anything if all you think about is masturbating!" Masturbating crazy we were. Your young masturbators today, though, it's all about the money, it's all about agents and endorsements. Sometimes I worry that the masturbating's in danger of being squeezed out altogether."
Author: Paul Murray
24. "Remember what Anatole France said about the dog masturbating on your leg--'Sure, it's honest, but who needs it?"
Author: Richard Yates
25. "It's not like I got caught masturbating, for chrissake; she doesn't know me, why the hell would she care if I'm superstitious? - Karen"
Author: S.D. Perry
26. "Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself."
Author: Victor Gischler
27. "There is no way I am masturbating with a gringo to something as vile and disgusting as worm-rape!"
Author: Vince Kramer

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It was foul, and I loved it. I loved to perish. I loved my own — not that for which I erred, but the itself. Base, falling from Your firmament to utter destruction — not seeking anything through the shame but the shame itself!"
Author: Augustine Of Hippo

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