Top Witty Quotes

Browse top 177 famous quotes and sayings about Witty by most favorite authors.

Favorite Witty Quotes

1. "Let Sporus tremble — "What? that thing of silk, Sporus, that mere white curd of ass's milk?Satire or sense, alas! can Sporus feel?Who breaks a Butterfly upon a Wheel?"Yet let me flap this Bug with gilded wings,This painted Child of Dirt that stinks and stings; Whose Buzz the Witty and the Fair annoys,Yet Wit ne'er tastes, and Beauty ne'er enjoys,"
Author: Alexander Pope
2. "To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it."
Author: Andre Maurois
3. "New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent and a gay best friend...the only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Häagen-Dazs."
Author: Bill Maher
4. "I had to have her, and I did. She got on her knees when I told her to. She slipped easily into play and out again, becoming her witty, intelligent self seamlessly. She wasn't intimidated by me. She teased and challenged me. She kissed like she meant it, and from the very first night, she enjoyed fucking without reservation or shame. Monica was, in a word, perfect."
Author: C.D. Reiss
5. "I continued down the hallway, past the library, with my eyes downcast, not wanting to talk to anyone. So immersed was I in my misery that I recoiled at the sound of a male voice emanating from just a few paces in front of me. "I know feet are fascinating, Alera, but it's much more sensible to pay attention to where you're going."Steldor stood outside the door to our quarters wearing a cocky and irritating grin, and for the thousandth time that day, I felt myself turning crimson. I stared at him, struggling for a witty rejoinder but unable to produce one."Did you want something, my lord?" I finally asked, forcing a smile that felt like a grimace."I simply wanted to see my beautiful wife," he said, countenance still smug, although his eyes had softened and I suspected the compliment was sincere."
Author: Cayla Kluver
6. "I wouldn't even dare read the Torah, let alone attempt a witty observation on the Torah."
Author: Charles Grodin
7. "I was to grow used to hearing, around New York, the annoying way in which people would say: 'Edward Said, such a suave and articulate and witty man,' with the unspoken suffix 'for a Palestinian.' It irritated him, too, naturally enough, but in my private opinion it strengthened him in his determination to be an ambassador or spokesman for those who lived in camps or under occupation (or both). He almost overdid the ambassadorial aspect if you ask me, being always just too faultlessly dressed and spiffily turned out. Fools often contrasted this attention to his tenue with his membership of the Palestine National Council, the then-parliament-in-exile of the people without a land. In fact, his taking part in this rather shambolic assembly was a kind of noblesse oblige: an assurance to his landsmen (and also to himself) that he had not allowed and never would allow himself to forget their plight. The downside of this noblesse was only to strike me much later on."
Author: Christopher Hitchens
8. "The mass media causes sexual misdirection: It prompts us to need something deeper than what we want. This is why Woody Allen has made nebbish guys cool; he makes people assume there is something profound about having a relationship based on witty conversation and intellectual discourse. There isn't. It's just another gimmick, and it's no different than wanting to be with someone because they're thin or rich or the former lead singer of Whiskeytown."
Author: Chuck Klosterman
9. "Dr. Seuss provided "ingenious and uniquely witty solutions to the standing problem of the juvenile fantasy writer: how to find, not another Alice, but another rabbit hole."
Author: Clifton Fadiman
10. "Jenny: Ned, I am having difficulties forming the image of the woman you should marry in my mind. Tell me, how do you imagine your ideal woman?"Ned: Oh, She's exactly like you. Except younger.Jenny: Whatever do you mean? She's clever? Witty?Ned: No. I mean she's dependable and honest.The mysterious smile slipped from Jenny's lips for the barest instant, and she looked at him in appalled and flattered horror. If this was how Ned assessed character, he would end up married to a street thief in no time at all."
Author: Courtney Milan
11. "I never cared for fashion much, amusing little seams and witty little pleats: it was the girls I liked."
Author: David Bailey
12. "William: My brother has an appreciation of art, so I imagine the woman he chooses must be beautiful beyond the pale. Once he outgrows his current predilection with painting and accepts his family responsibilities, he'll need a wife who can move throughout society. She must have proper carriage and be a witty conversationalist. She should have excellent bloodlines as well, in the event of offspring.Emma: With the possible exception of a witty conversationalist, I believe you've described all the attributes of a racehorse."
Author: Donna MacMeans
13. "A large nose is in fact the sign of an affable man, good, courteous, witty, liberal, courageous, such as I am."
Author: Edmond Rostand
14. "Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor."
Author: Elizabeth I Tudor
15. "Smile. Nod. Saysomething wittybefore he findsout what an incrediblegeek you are."
Author: Ellen Hopkins
16. "When all by myself, I can think of all kinds of clever remarks, quick comebacks to what no one said, and flashes of witty sociability with nobody. But all of this vanishes when I face someone in the flesh: I lose my intelligence, I can no longer speak, and after half an hour I just feel tired. Talking to people makes me feel like sleeping. Only my ghostly and imaginary friends, only the conversations I have in my dreams, are genuinely real and substantial."
Author: Fernando Pessoa
17. "If you fight angry, you make a lot of mistakes, and when you fight a sharp, witty fighter like me, you can't make mistakes."
Author: Floyd Mayweather Jr.
18. "She was quick of mind and swift of tongue, always ready to answer a set down with the kind of witty rebuke most of us can think of only long after the moment of insult has passed."
Author: Geraldine Brooks
19. "My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty."
Author: Ian Hislop
20. "This is one of his most human and most amusing and witty novels. The characters are very Indian. I decided that I wanted to do a comedy, so this was just the right one."
Author: Ismail Merchant
21. "Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like:?Brick: Hello!?Blanket: Hi!?Brick: How are you??Blanket: Good. You??Brick: Good."
Author: Jarod Kintz
22. "Witty closing remarks have been replaced by massive head trauma and severe hemorrhaging."
Author: Jhonen Vasquez
23. "The difference here 'twixt simple and witty folk, if the truth be known, is that your plain man cares much for what stand ye take and not a fart for why ye take it, while your smart wight leaves ye whate'er stand ye will, sobeit ye defend it cleverly."
Author: John Barth
24. "Though lust do masque in ne'er so strange disguise she's oft found witty, but is never wise."
Author: John Webster
25. "I look for fun and smarts - a witty, strong sexy woman."
Author: Josh Dallas
26. "I've since met other Midwesterners, and I know the drill: They can be witty, bright, and kind, but they're not self-centered, grandiose, or emotional. They can be even-tempered, even during sh@tstorms of winter weather that render their climate unfit for life. They use relative negatives when they-re asked how they're doing, and say it 'could be worse'. They're polite enough to keep their feelings from bleeding over into messy ethnic territories. They hate margarine."
Author: Julie Klausner
27. "I was going to write a sharp witty email full of devastating one-liners but I suspect you want something nicer than that"
Author: Lucy Robinson
28. "We cannot see how the evidence afforded by the unquestioned progressive development of organised existence—crowned as it has been by the recent creation of the earth's greatest wonder, MAN, can be set aside, or its seemingly necessary result withheld for a moment. When Mr. Lyell finds, as a witty friend lately reported that there had been found, a silver-spoon in grauwacke, or a locomotive engine in mica-schist, then, but not sooner, shall we enrol ourselves disciples of the Cyclical Theory of Geological formations."
Author: Lyell
29. "My father could be very witty, even if the humor was always on the darker side of irony."
Author: Maurice Sendak
30. "Without the witty, potent dialogue and the puzzling shape of the story, the movie would have been merely an American version of the kind of brooding, shadow-filled, Ufa-style expressionist stuff that Joe had grown up watching in Prague. Without the brooding shadows and cold adventurings of the camera, without the theatrical lighting and queasy angles, it would have been merely a clever movie about a rich bastard. It was much, much more, than any movie really needed to be. In this one crucial regard--its inextricable braiding of image and narrative--Citizen Kane was like a comic book."
Author: Michael Chabon
31. "A father may have a child who is ugly and lacking in all the graces, and the love he feels for him puts a blindfold over his eyes so that he does not see his defects but considers them signs of charm and intelligence and recounts them to his friends as if they were clever and witty."
Author: Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra
32. "I want my brain to slide back into the slot it was meant to be in, rest there the way it did before the fall of last year, back when I was young, witty, and my teachers said I had incredible promise."
Author: Ned Vizzini
33. "I appreciate my my sleep In sleep my conversation is witty My home is dusted My office work is up to date The dog is even well behaved And food is on the table on timeBut then when I'm asleep I don't have you to clutter and confuseMy hungry heart"
Author: Nikki Giovanni
34. "Bishop was all done with the witty converstaion. "Will you swear?"And Myrnin said, shockingly, "I will." And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, "--frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!" and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. "Is that what you meant, my lord?"
Author: Rachel Caine
35. "As soon as she gets her divorce one of us is going to marry her. We don't know which. She is about as beautiful a woman as I ever saw, and very witty and well-informed, but it would cost a good deal to keep her in diamonds."
Author: Richard H. Davis
36. "It's late, I'm tired, and your cigarettes are giving me a headache," I growled."I suppose that's fair." He drew in on the cigarette and let out the smoke. "Some women think they make me look sexy.""I think you smoke them so you have something to do while thinking up your next witty line."He choked on the smoke, caught between inhaling and laughing. "Rose Hathaway, I can't wait to see you again. If you're this charming while tired and annoyed and this gorgeous while bruised and in ski clothes, you must be devastating at your peak."
Author: Richelle Mead
37. "I think you smoke them so you have something to do while thinking up your next witty line."He choked on the smoke, caught between inhaling and laughing. "Rose Hathaway, I can't wait to see you again. If you're this charming while tired and annoyed and this gorgeous while bruised and in ski clothes, you must be devastating at your peak.""If by 'devastating' you mean that you should fear for your life, then yeah. You're right." I jerked open the door. "Good night, Adrian.""I'll see you soon.""Not likely. I told you, I'm not into older guys."I walked into the lodge. As the door closed, I just barely heard him call behind me, "Sure, you aren't."
Author: Richelle Mead
38. "I like witty people, people who can be witty on the spot."
Author: Rob Brydon
39. "You have this maddening little smile sometimes, like you've just thought of something incredibly witty but are afraid to say it in case no one gets the joke."
Author: Robyn Schneider
40. "No, sir, I'm not saying that charming, witty and warm copy won't sell. I'm just saying I've seen thousands of charming, witty campaigns that didn't sell."
Author: Rosser Reeves
41. "You can pretend to be serious; but you can't pretend to be witty."
Author: Sacha Guitry
42. "Conquered people tend to be witty."
Author: Saul Bellow
43. "The cocktail filled him with a whirling exhilaration behind which he was aware of devastating desires—to rush places in fast motors, to kiss girls, to sing, to be witty. ... He perceived that he had gifts of profligacy which had been neglected.—chapter 8"
Author: Sinclair Lewis
44. "That calls for a witty comeback."Whatever," I say."
Author: Susan Ee
45. "I'd discovered, after a lot of extreme apprehension about what spoons to use, that if you do something incorrect at table with a certain arrogance, as if you knew perfectly well you were doing it properly, you can get away with it and nobody will think you are bad-mannered or poorly brought up. They will think you are original and very witty."
Author: Sylvia Plath
46. "Minerva considered herself a reasonably intelligent person, but good heavens . . . handsome men made her stupid. She grew so flustered around them, never knew where to look or what to say. The reply meant to be witty and clever would come out sounding bitter or lame. Sometimes a teasing remark from Lord Payne's quarter quelled her into dumb silence altogether. Only days later, while she was banging away at a cliff face with a rock hammer, would the perfect retort spring to mind."
Author: Tessa Dare
47. "Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves."
Author: Thomas Hobbes
48. "At these repeated signs of decadence in a society which had once been the object of his envy and his highest ambition, Webber's face had begun to take on a look of scorn...Yes, all these people looked at one another with untelling eyes. Their speech was casual, quick, and witty. But they did not say the things they knew. And they knew everything. They had seen everything. They had accepted everything. And they received every new intelligence now with a cynical and amused look in their untelling eyes. Nothing shocked them anymore. It was the way things were. It was what they had come to expect of life...He himself had not yet come to that, he did not want to come to it."
Author: Thomas Wolfe
49. "What I don't like is snark for snark's sake. If you are going to make fun of me, at least be witty while doing it."
Author: Timothy Ferriss
50. "Miss Langman was often, in interviews, described as a witty conversationalist; how can a woman be witty when she hasn't a sense of humor? - and she has none, which was her central flaw as a person and as an artist."
Author: Truman Capote

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Weird? Absurd? That's how it seemed to me. I had these forces, these compunctions, these alternative personalities inside me, driving me. It was like being a jack-in-the-box and I was unsure which personality was going to jump out next: Billy, who thought of himself as a cowboy or a terrorist; Kato the cutter; anorexic Shirley, whose only self-indulgence was binge drinking and the occasional salad sandwich. I didn't dislike Shirley. I was afraid of her. Shirley knew things I didn't."
Author: Alice Jamieson

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