Benson Bruno quotes: top famous quotes and sayings by Benson Bruno

Top Benson Bruno Quotes

Browse top 59 most favorite famous quotes and sayings by Benson Bruno.

Favorite Benson Bruno Quotes

1. "Theists count themselves among the aforementioned. They affirm they will be saved a lot of confusion." ~ Benson Bruno

2. "How many types of curtains can there be? When I asked the salesman this, he banged on the organ and bellowed with laughter. But I saw those feet fidgeting. He just didn't know." ~ Benson Bruno

3. "Often stereotypically sandwiched between empty nest syndrome and retirement, rhinoplasty is actually a fluid phase that can occur before, after, or concurrently with any other life stage." ~ Benson Bruno

4. "Some thoughts are so profound, so weighty, you just scratch your head. It takes a very sophisticated person to scratch their feet at times like that." ~ Benson Bruno

5. "Just this past summer, I took online courses in introductory logic and law through civilization. Often the weight of history, with its facts heaped upon facts requiring complex chains of inference to sort through – I mean complex for someone with the soft brain of a tomato merchant; for me the premises are obvious and the conclusions dire and inescapable – threatened to crush me, and I was ultimately forced to abandon the whole undertaking. By way of recovery, I spent the rest of the summer immersed in a Freudian meditation on some choice tabloids. The mysterious lives of celebrities make for challenging induction. The reasoning process involves navigating many gaps in our knowledge of them. What is certain is that under the iceberg of glitz and glamor lie neurotic, depraved individuals with bizarre habits and hobbies, people who think they're above the law." ~ Benson Bruno

6. "Stroking a blob as it rolled along her face with one hand, and with the other gently grasping a lump on the back of her accident-prone head, I told my sweet sack of potatoes I knew just what she needed. A thermometer reading." ~ Benson Bruno

7. "Baby, I want you to know that…even though my other secretaries were in that video with us, it won't be like that in the future. No more girl-on-girl action. I know an open-minded guy who lives down the hall. We'll keep it strictly a couples affair, with some occasional swapping." ~ Benson Bruno

8. "To seek inner beauty is to meet a large woman and ask, ‘Is her liver also fat?' Even if she is not good, the night can still be." ~ Benson Bruno

9. "If Nostradamus and Tiresias used gay magic to have a baby, and that baby grew up to make a lot of predictions about the destiny of clones – if that happened, then I would have a reason to convert to asexuality. As it is, I just kind of felt like not doing it." ~ Benson Bruno

10. "I invited some friends over for a barbeque and made grilled cheese sandwiches. When they complained that the sandwiches were charred and inedible, I said "That's pure carbon right there. That's what we are," and with that simple statement I recruited seven more members to the Human Rights Are Toast Organization." ~ Benson Bruno

11. "A long time ago someone became disillusioned with theism, so he tacked a definite article onto it and created a new religion. People have been referring to it a lot since then, but it hasn't become any more familiar." ~ Benson Bruno

12. "I did want adventure. I didn't want to prescribe Ritalin to ADHD kids and tell fat old men to get more exercise. I wanted to go to the heart of Africa. Cradling villages of starving, disease-ridden children. Reserving no luxuries for myself. We would share everything: "Here. This syringe is dirty. Careful."Engaging the deadliest disease of all. The AIDS virus. The beauty of it's DNA sequence, to be so extraordinarily complex without sacrificing elegance. The mystery. The danger. The romance as it waltzes with my white blood cells inside me. "Give it to me. Inject it," I'd say. To be destroyed so efficiently. But I settled for less." ~ Benson Bruno

13. "When there were no customers, he thought about geometry. He tried to perform the Pythagorean Theorem on the light fixture above him, given his estimate of its circumference, but he failed. He wanted to be good at math. But he just wasn't. He wanted so badly for the math club to accept him, but to them he was a loser. During rush week they battered him blue with yard sticks; they tied him to a table naked and made him prove problems involving half circles before a huge swinging protractor cut him in half; they forced him to continually calculate the remaining volume of the kegs he had to drink, working it out by hand as he was held upside down. After he didn't get in the club, they had started ganging up on him every day, sticking his head in the toilet and stealing his lunch money. Business was slow at the moment, and he thought about ending his life in the kitchen appliance aisle." ~ Benson Bruno

14. "Geniuses that point the way exist in abundance, but mediocrity's true prophet has yet to emerge. We may not be able to choose a direction to go, but at least we're still walking around." ~ Benson Bruno

15. "Courtiers never look like fools, or engage in hard work if they can't make it look easy. Conquering the world is a sweaty business, and perspiration always betrays." ~ Benson Bruno

16. "When you shout 'Let there be light!' every morning at dawn, that is when correlation implies creation." ~ Benson Bruno

17. "In the end, single people either get boring, or they stay divorced." ~ Benson Bruno

18. "I was a cool person in college, but now that I'm old I'm just nifty." ~ Benson Bruno

19. "Silence is wittier than any jest. Thou wanteth to express thy feelings with eloquence and grace? Drop thy jaw boldly and beautifully. There, thou'rt starting to get it. But hang out thy tongue more. Let the drool strands drip down thy chin and give thy shirt a badge of desire. ‘Thou'rt mine,' this drool stain says, ‘and I'll ravish thou if I please…but as of this moment, it doesn't please me." ~ Benson Bruno

20. "I want to be a man of mountaintops: to scale the heights, achieve a sublime transcendence, and breathe in the thin air. Transcendence requires suffocation." ~ Benson Bruno

21. "The elephant's love for him was a love I have never known – yet always longed to. For why should he be remembered always, and not I?" ~ Benson Bruno

22. "I don't dwell on the fact that I may have ridden on planes. That which I can't remember having needed, I simply accept. It is the most preferable kind of self-insight: one that does not require any accompanying change in behavior." ~ Benson Bruno

23. "If most people with dreams actually realized them, we wouldn't have to worry about rainy days. What we'd have to worry about is getting absentminded and stepping off of a cloud." ~ Benson Bruno

24. "A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever bathe again?" ~ Benson Bruno

25. "Walking down the beach alone at night when my headband flashlight has run out of batteries, and hearing sailors' cries for help as their boats run up against the rocky coastline, and then getting a ticket from a policeman for improper lighthouse navigation behavior" ~ Benson Bruno

26. "When a lack of white blood cells exposes the horizon of being, one has to make a choice. To cloister yourself away in a germ-free environment, alive but alone, or to embrace the woman you love and catch your death of cold at the marriage ceremony? What a great show. It's inner-directed script was unmatched by any other soap opera." ~ Benson Bruno

27. "I don't want my wife to have more sons; the two we have now are too much like her. When we're ready for another child, I'm cloning myself." ~ Benson Bruno

28. "One last moment of inspiration is worth more than the most efficient oxygen machine." ~ Benson Bruno

29. "The two seemed on casual terms, leading me to wonder how long this limousine had been in her life, and whether she had ever seen the inside, and if so, whether she climbed in the front seat or the back, and if the front, did she help navigate, and if the back, did she change into a fancy dress and sip champagne - or just sparkling wine." ~ Benson Bruno

30. "Dear sirs, The cold war isn't over. When national borders fail, the epidermis is the last line of defense. We are counting on you.Sincerely,Patriot" ~ Benson Bruno

31. "Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Not a day goes by I don't think of the feel of that bicuspid against my tongue. It had such a distinctive feel, neither cuspid nor molar…but I'm not sure it knew that – that was what endeared it to me so. It was like the blunted tusk of a wild boar." ~ Benson Bruno

32. "I couldn't go back to my apartment. I was forever estranged from my place of habit – the carpet I would ash my cigarettes on, the gin bathtub where I would soak to keep my weight down and stir my medicines, the couch full of holes from slippery syringes, the stack of old newspapers I would reread." ~ Benson Bruno

33. "I'll not only win glory in a castrated bullfighting tournament, I can make a profit by selling rocky mountain oysters, too." ~ Benson Bruno

34. "What do you take me for? That fool Socrates, who upheld the law at the cost of his own death – just to be ironic? I suspect that act was actually the result of his secret embarrassment of his hideous nose." ~ Benson Bruno

35. "Custodianship must be mine. I would find Agatha and take my son into my arms, a wonder of childhood obesity, his mother's form still a smile on his lips, no pale blue heart problems, no nursery rhymes. The rhythm of the feet would be enough for him. We would mop floors together, sweep. He would hold the bucket and the dustpan while I taught him of the essentials of life." ~ Benson Bruno

36. "Or [take] the old cripple worried about choking on his vitamins or tripping if he tries to hobble over that wide crack in the sidewalk. He won't be bound by mere experience - he renounces it all together as something confusing; the very moment it occurs, it's forgotten entirely. The young today don't really live. They take no pills to give their day structure…" ~ Benson Bruno

37. "Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for brunch, cream-filled for lunch, frosting for linner, chocolate for dinner, and powdered sugar for 2 a.m. supermarket stakeout. Because linner coincided with the daily crime peak, he always ate his favorite variety to ease him. Frosting was his only choice now, and upsetting his routine was a quiet thrill." ~ Benson Bruno

38. "If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future." ~ Benson Bruno

39. "I can't write anymore. My words are paper airplanes tenuously gliding towards the dust. The wonder of the Phoenicians, which throughout the latter part of this entry I have not fully comprehended, is getting vaguer still. Where did this feather in my hand come from? Am I Icarus?" ~ Benson Bruno

40. "In America, you pay your insurance, or you die. Assessment of risk is lifeblood. But here, I can't tell. People may be insured, or they may not. Poverty and death are constantly looming, but the populace is never engulfed, nor have I been set at ease with the bright smiles which imply a comprehensive dental plan. At most, I fear that only a crude scraping is covered, and that fluoride treatment is being neglected entirely." ~ Benson Bruno

41. "I saw that office display the other day at the modern gallery. I just didn't know what I was looking at. A still life of a secretary's cluttered desk? A sunset over a mountainous landscape of cash? I don't understand richy people. Think they're so profound, so much better than everybody else. They're just trying to compensate for their melancholy, eccentric natures, their loneliness. It must be awful to own a fortune 500 company." ~ Benson Bruno

42. "It was here, at the threshold of our flat earth, that the ultimate enigma of land, sea and sky all fused against me in the omega point of the female fashion statement; an essence distracted the lifeguards which, in escaping me, threatened to implode my self and my soul (a totality which, yet again, I could not comprehend)." ~ Benson Bruno

43. "I heard that knowing a musical instrument is a great way for a guy to improve his love life, so I picked up a flute the other day and things are looking good. I blew a few kisses at it, and it made some girlish noises. If it's cheap enough, I'm renting it out tonight." ~ Benson Bruno

44. "My bootlegger used up all the whiskey when he went on that drive, but I drank his gasoline before he left. I really should have checked his tank before chugging that bottle." ~ Benson Bruno

45. "When those lips engulfed my head, I said to myself later, ‘nothing else will ever touch this scalp again'. I couldn't help it, though. I lathered sunscreen on it unthinkingly the next day before I went out. But it was the first time in the suburbs I ever felt no less pure for not showering." ~ Benson Bruno

46. "If it weren't for love, poets would all be out of a job. As it is, they starve to death and write profound thoughts about that deep, deep feeling." ~ Benson Bruno

47. "I'm writing my next book under a pseudonym. It will be Mark Twain's best young adult romance." ~ Benson Bruno

48. "Look, a mushroom cloud!""Releasing fungus on us, huh? Hold your nose." ~ Benson Bruno

49. "While we're at it, why don't we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs." ~ Benson Bruno

50. "Long after our cities are condemned and deserted, our city parks will stand as a testament of the serenity of our weekends to distant trespassers. As we wait in the bushes to embrace their heavy garments, the trespassers may think, cuddling themselves in their warm garments, ‘what a carefree people this was, a people much like ourselves before the cold.' The trespassers idealize us, unaware of the many serious life lessons the recreationist would have been confronted with on any given visit:- No feeding the geese. If a man doesn't know how to eat, he isn't fit to teach lesser beings.- Pick up your trash. The park is a place where your children vicariously display your own values, but cutely. It is not a dumping ground.- Keep off the grass. Because Sunday is not Sin-day. Take your blankets into the woods for that kind of summer fun." ~ Benson Bruno

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Good men don't become legends," he said quietly."Good men don't need to become legends." She opened her eyes, looking up at him. "They just do what's right anyway."
Author: Brandon Sanderson

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