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Top Chelsea Handler Quotes

Browse top 96 most favorite famous quotes and sayings by Chelsea Handler.

Favorite Chelsea Handler Quotes

1. "I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends." ~ Chelsea Handler
2. "After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating." ~ Chelsea Handler
3. "He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better." ~ Chelsea Handler
4. "This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it." ~ Chelsea Handler
5. "A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time." ~ Chelsea Handler
6. "Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching. "What's the problem?" my father asked the woman. "Sir, I'm going to have to take this lighter away from you," she said. "The lighter?" I asked her. "What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench." "I need the wrench!" he shrieked. "For what?" "What if something goes wrong with the plane?" ~ Chelsea Handler
7. "Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor." ~ Chelsea Handler
8. "Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate." ~ Chelsea Handler
9. "We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself." ~ Chelsea Handler
10. "And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem." ~ Chelsea Handler
11. "Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub." ~ Chelsea Handler
12. "She had Nick Lachey's body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner." ~ Chelsea Handler
13. "People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50." ~ Chelsea Handler
14. "How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?" ~ Chelsea Handler
15. "My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen." ~ Chelsea Handler
16. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." ~ Chelsea Handler
17. "Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either." ~ Chelsea Handler
18. "I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating." ~ Chelsea Handler
19. "My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living." ~ Chelsea Handler
20. "Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway." ~ Chelsea Handler
21. "I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking." ~ Chelsea Handler
22. "I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four." ~ Chelsea Handler
23. "If it comes easy...Take it twice" ~ Chelsea Handler
24. "We would parachute in like typical asshole Americans and be completely clueless about what kind of trip we were actually on, asking questions like, "When do we start shooting the animals? Where is the freshest sushi? When do we meet Aretha Franklin, and where are the squash courts?" I'd also insist on hunting live lobster and killing it with my handgun." ~ Chelsea Handler
25. "ice. "Do you think the lack of ice in Europe and other continents—such as the one we're on—has anything to do with global warming?" Hannah asked. We all ignored Hannah and ordered food. Something orange-y arrived, and Hannah went in for a taste. The next thing she did was grimace out of the side of her mouth and declare, "These carrots taste fishy." "That's probably because it's salmon, Hannah," Sue told her. We all got up from the table a little more buzzed than when we had sat down and directed ourselves to bed. We were ready for the next leg of this never-ending journey. It felt like we had been traveling for days and still hadn't quite gotten anywhere. As" ~ Chelsea Handler
26. "We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasn't from the income bracket I preferred, I held off on voicing my initial feelings of despair." ~ Chelsea Handler
27. "ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern." ~ Chelsea Handler
28. "At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer." ~ Chelsea Handler
29. "I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people." ~ Chelsea Handler
30. "Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men." ~ Chelsea Handler
31. "My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take." ~ Chelsea Handler
32. "My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate." ~ Chelsea Handler
33. "While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach." ~ Chelsea Handler
34. "My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes." ~ Chelsea Handler
35. "My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me." ~ Chelsea Handler
36. "Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq." ~ Chelsea Handler
37. "Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own." ~ Chelsea Handler
38. "He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week." ~ Chelsea Handler
39. "What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don't have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it." ~ Chelsea Handler
40. "This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny." ~ Chelsea Handler
41. "It's true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue." ~ Chelsea Handler
42. "It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus." ~ Chelsea Handler
43. "A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food. How can they have the nerve to beg for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? I didn't care if this guy understood English or not. "Tell me when you're out of dog, buddy. Then we can talk about splitting a falafel." ~ Chelsea Handler
44. "This was just the way I imagined myself around Nancy Grace--available, yet distant." ~ Chelsea Handler
45. "Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding." ~ Chelsea Handler
46. "When a black man gets scared and there is no police around, you know things are going south." ~ Chelsea Handler
47. "Kobe beef is not named after Kobe Bryant. Do not make this mistake." ~ Chelsea Handler
48. "My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking." ~ Chelsea Handler
49. "Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home." ~ Chelsea Handler
50. "Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption." ~ Chelsea Handler
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Today's Quote

Mund të dashurosh edhe një trup dhe asgjë tjetër."
Author: Christine Grän

What Did Chelsea Handler Talk About?

Wit
Thin
Hen
Per
End
Use
King
Con
Here
Son
Ally
Tan
Ear
She
Hey
Pen
Lit
Cause
Old
Ten
Round
Ring
Self
Less
Act
Off
Sin
Able
Drink
Lie
Air
Girl
Ours
Ways
Sea
Bee
Side
Star
Happen
While
Hole
Hand
Guy
Mother
Fat
Tell
Bar
Hear
Week
Yes

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