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Top Jarod Kintz Quotes

Browse top 2499 most favorite famous quotes and sayings by Jarod Kintz.

Favorite Jarod Kintz Quotes

1. "A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It's like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry." ~ Jarod Kintz
2. "The woman in this photo can't believe what she's hearing. And since it's a photo, I can't hear what she's not believing. I'll bet she doesn't believe she's not the killer." ~ Jarod Kintz
3. "The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me." ~ Jarod Kintz
4. "When I hear people say Rest In Peace, I get jealous, because I'm a restless sleeper." ~ Jarod Kintz
5. "My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time." ~ Jarod Kintz
6. "Love is a fur helmet in a new sport called Petting, where physical contact is the object of the game. Even when you lose, you win." ~ Jarod Kintz
7. "There's truth and honor in a mustache. And that's why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house." ~ Jarod Kintz
8. "Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?" ~ Jarod Kintz
9. "If anybody can appreciate fine music, it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?" ~ Jarod Kintz
10. "I hired a chauffeur and I became a motivational speaker, because I don't drive—I'm driven." ~ Jarod Kintz
11. "I'll be 30 in April. My birthday is March 5th." ~ Jarod Kintz
12. "Good days are ahead of me. But so is the worst day of my life—my last day. I need a cup of coffee large enough to take a bath in." ~ Jarod Kintz
13. "Why send roses? Wouldn't it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I'll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine's Day." ~ Jarod Kintz
14. "I always appear smarter when I dress up in my giant nipple costume. I know this because I'll overhear people say things like, "At least he's not a complete boob." ~ Jarod Kintz
15. "Love is like a free lunch. You won't find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast." ~ Jarod Kintz
16. "Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber." ~ Jarod Kintz
17. "If your TV is broken, don't get a new one—get a new hobby: reading." ~ Jarod Kintz
18. "I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium." ~ Jarod Kintz
19. "Death cannot stop true love. That's why it's pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans." ~ Jarod Kintz
20. "Our love was separated by time—and six feet of dirt. Still, I had to keep digging, because that's just who I am, a romantic." ~ Jarod Kintz
21. "I took some naked pictures the other day. I don't feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures." ~ Jarod Kintz
22. "To avoid excessive talking, I stay positive. By saying things like, "I like it," rather than "I don't like it," I can save up to 25% on my energy output." ~ Jarod Kintz
23. "I'd like to write a romance novel. Something like, "Digging for Dates—the Love Life of a Necrophiliac"." ~ Jarod Kintz
24. "I crammed six years of silence into sixty seconds, held frozen and firm with an icy stare." ~ Jarod Kintz
25. "A stack of graham crackers represents me as a person: am I a cookie or a cracker? Neither. Both. I'm a crackie." ~ Jarod Kintz
26. "We fell in love like the Fourth of July. But there was nothing red, white, and blue about it, because we fell in love in England, despite the fact that the colors on their flag are also red, white, and blue." ~ Jarod Kintz
27. "I don't like to celebrate my birthday, because I don't like taking credit for others' work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman." ~ Jarod Kintz
28. "I love you like my soul is not the moon. It's brighter—and bigger." ~ Jarod Kintz
29. "I'm an invisibility salesman, and it's like I always say, "What you see is what you get." Of course, I say it silently, so people probably don't hear me." ~ Jarod Kintz
30. "When rain comes down, the chance of rainbows goes up. Likewise, when my coffee goes down, I wake up. Hopefully I wake up in your bed." ~ Jarod Kintz
31. "One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I'm taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and therefore is as beautiful as an impressionistic painting?" ~ Jarod Kintz
32. "Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?" ~ Jarod Kintz
33. "I can't tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors." ~ Jarod Kintz
34. "When somebody asks me if they can fix me a sandwich, I say, "No thanks. The one I have isn't broken."" ~ Jarod Kintz
35. "If I could lick the sunset, I'll bet it would taste like Neapolitan ice cream." ~ Jarod Kintz
36. "Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don't know these things. I'm new to politics." ~ Jarod Kintz
37. "I figured out why I have such big hands. It's to hold all the love I have to offer the world. So don't get mad at me when I make you bring in all the groceries, because my hands are already full." ~ Jarod Kintz
38. "A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired." ~ Jarod Kintz
39. "If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I'd never get off my ass to change the channel." ~ Jarod Kintz
40. "I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat's litter box. Ah, 'twas a great night. I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the stars." ~ Jarod Kintz
41. "Batman's cape would make a great canvas for a cave painting." ~ Jarod Kintz
42. "I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber." ~ Jarod Kintz
43. "I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home." ~ Jarod Kintz
44. "I asked for a small drink, but he didn't ask me what cup size. What, will a small not fit in a large?" ~ Jarod Kintz
45. "True love is rare, like a good steak. Help me cut it up." ~ Jarod Kintz
46. "Scoop out my soul with a spoon like it's a cantaloupe, and I'll tell you that love is breakfast. And I'd love to make breakfast to Agatha one more time." ~ Jarod Kintz
47. "I want to concoct an invention I'll call the "Portable Mass Hysteria Modulator," which will manipulate markets from greed to fear, and conversely, fear to greed. Not only will this device help me make a fortune, and come equipped with a metal clip that enables it to affix itself onto your car's sun visor, but it will also be able to open and close your garage door." ~ Jarod Kintz
48. "Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges." ~ Jarod Kintz
49. "I haven't the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on the day I was born." ~ Jarod Kintz
50. "I'm thinking of changing my name to "Son of Manana." Of course it isn't accurate, because I'm the father of yesterday." ~ Jarod Kintz
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Today's Quote

Often as a child you see someone with a learning disability or Down's Syndrome and my mum and dad were always very quick to explain exactly what was going on and to be in their own way inclusive and welcoming."
Author: Christopher Eccleston

What Did Jarod Kintz Talk About?

Use
Wit
Hen
Thin
Cause
Ear
Here
Per
King
Con
Off
Hey
Ally
She
Old
Lit
Son
End
Act
Pen
Sin
Ring
Thou
Ten
Win
Cat
Call
Self
Coffee
Tea
Low
Body
Sex
Air
Name
Ought
Read
Though
Able
Mad
Ape
While
Star
May
Owe
Ask
Said
Sleep
Run
Sing

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