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Top Jon Stewart Quotes

Browse top 47 most favorite famous quotes and sayings by Jon Stewart.

Favorite Jon Stewart Quotes

1. "It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry." ~ Jon Stewart
2. "To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak." ~ Jon Stewart
3. "[Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree." ~ Jon Stewart
4. "If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies." ~ Jon Stewart
5. "If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?" ~ Jon Stewart
6. "If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that." ~ Jon Stewart
7. "Here's how bizarre the war is that we're in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn't want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass." ~ Jon Stewart
8. "Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality." ~ Jon Stewart
9. "Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot." ~ Jon Stewart
10. "So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No." ~ Jon Stewart
11. "We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music." ~ Jon Stewart
12. "No one is better at not beating America than England." ~ Jon Stewart
13. "Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively." ~ Jon Stewart
14. "Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car." ~ Jon Stewart
15. "Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due." ~ Jon Stewart
16. "I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance" ~ Jon Stewart
17. "If we amplify everything, we hear nothing." ~ Jon Stewart
18. "The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church." ~ Jon Stewart
19. "Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." ~ Jon Stewart
20. "More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had." ~ Jon Stewart
21. "I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm." ~ Jon Stewart
22. "McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done." ~ Jon Stewart
23. "I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor." ~ Jon Stewart
24. "I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'" ~ Jon Stewart
25. "If everything is amplified, we hear nothing." ~ Jon Stewart
26. "To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don't like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!" ~ Jon Stewart
27. "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." ~ Jon Stewart
28. "Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center." ~ Jon Stewart
29. "Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid." ~ Jon Stewart
30. "We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea." ~ Jon Stewart
31. "I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." ~ Jon Stewart
32. "I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you." ~ Jon Stewart
33. "I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over." ~ Jon Stewart
34. "Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch." ~ Jon Stewart
35. "Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him." ~ Jon Stewart
36. "Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people." ~ Jon Stewart
37. "I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her." ~ Jon Stewart
38. "You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning." ~ Jon Stewart
39. "Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates." ~ Jon Stewart
40. "By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams." ~ Jon Stewart
41. "It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." ~ Jon Stewart
42. "Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake." ~ Jon Stewart
43. "As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36)" ~ Jon Stewart
44. "We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox." ~ Jon Stewart
45. "Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion." ~ Jon Stewart
46. "The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith." ~ Jon Stewart
47. "If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?" ~ Jon Stewart

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I'm much faster now. When you only have a certain amount of time to write, after a while you learn to use your time well or you stop writing."
Author: Alice Hoffman

What Did Jon Stewart Talk About?

Ear
Hen
Use
Here
Con
America
King
Hey
Per
Ten
Cause
Wit
Thin
Pen
Took
End
Ring
President
Shot
Side
Act
Land
Bee
Earth
Era
Far
Hate
Hear
Hum
Iraq
Yes

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