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Top Lewis Black Quotes

Browse top 33 most favorite famous quotes and sayings by Lewis Black.

Favorite Lewis Black Quotes

1. "Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!" ~ Lewis Black
2. "Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?" ~ Lewis Black
3. "I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes" ~ Lewis Black
4. "Just relax and breathe through your ass." ~ Lewis Black
5. "They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down." ~ Lewis Black
6. "Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. [...] And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me twelve hours before, and He said the reason He was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell." ~ Lewis Black
7. "A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!" ~ Lewis Black
8. "Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness." ~ Lewis Black
9. "Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!" ~ Lewis Black
10. "If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < ." ~ Lewis Black
11. "Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian." ~ Lewis Black
12. "All you had to say was, 'I am a writer,' and you became one. You didn't even have to write anything. You could just sit in a coffee shop with a notebook and stare into space, with a slightly bemused look on your face, judging the weight of the world with a jaundiced eye. As you can see, you can be completely full of shit and still be a writer...I also thought it was going to be a great way to meet girls, but it wasn't--probably because as I was staring into space, I no doubt looked mildly retarded. You see, I wanted to write plays, which in retrospect is a lot harder than learning Mandarin, I think. How I ended up in this delusional state shall be saved for another time." ~ Lewis Black
13. "Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever [email protected]*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on." ~ Lewis Black
14. "If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat." ~ Lewis Black
15. "In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants." ~ Lewis Black
16. "All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911." ~ Lewis Black
17. "Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas." ~ Lewis Black
18. "What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense." ~ Lewis Black
19. "It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!" ~ Lewis Black
20. "I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day." ~ Lewis Black
21. "And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye." ~ Lewis Black
22. "I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake." ~ Lewis Black
23. "When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out." ~ Lewis Black
24. "If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer." ~ Lewis Black
25. "I'm a Jew." ~ Lewis Black
26. "People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single." ~ Lewis Black
27. "Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy." ~ Lewis Black
28. "You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work." ~ Lewis Black
29. "Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now." ~ Lewis Black
30. "Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight." ~ Lewis Black
31. "I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track." ~ Lewis Black
32. "Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve." ~ Lewis Black
33. "I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing." ~ Lewis Black

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Today's Quote

For me, it is far better to grasp the world as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying or reassuring."
Author: Carl Sagan

What Did Lewis Black Talk About?

Use
Ear
Cause
Hey
Thin
Lie
Ally
Off
Lit
Act
Here
Hen
Con
Wit
Watch
Watching
Thou
Star
Son
Pen
Owe
Ours
Low
King
Eating
Ears
Chin
Year

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