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Top Michael Ian Black Quotes

Browse top 37 most favorite famous quotes and sayings by Michael Ian Black.

Favorite Michael Ian Black Quotes

1. "I do not go to church. I don't go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don't go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don't I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn't bad enough, not only do I not go to church:I don't believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don't believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges "In God We Trust?" How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can't. It's a real problem. Don't get me wrong – I'd like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1. But I don't, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics." ~ Michael Ian Black
2. "Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not." ~ Michael Ian Black
3. "Why does Lewis Black have so much hatred for goodness? I do not know. Because I am not a trained psychologist, I think it would be unethical for me to attempt to analyze him. But based upon his feelings regarding candy corn, I think it is safe to assume that he hates freedom, hates himself, and wants to fuck his mother." ~ Michael Ian Black
4. "Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them." ~ Michael Ian Black
5. "You know how Burger King often employs mentally handicapped people to wipe down tables at their restaurants? What those people are to Burger King, paralegals are to lawyers. It's the lowest job you can possibly get and still technically be considered in the legal profession" ~ Michael Ian Black
6. "If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked." ~ Michael Ian Black
7. "I hope you die....P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse." ~ Michael Ian Black
8. "How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country." ~ Michael Ian Black
9. "Marriage felt like a fading American institution, as relevant to me as the Elks Club. Plus, I considered myself punk rock, and punk rockers don't believe in boring societal conventions like marriage. We prefer boring societal conventions like punk rock." ~ Michael Ian Black
10. "Choose hope over fear." ~ Michael Ian Black
11. "Her lips remind me of kite strings and I find myself thinking about panda bears. Panda bears do not fly kites, I tell myself. 'I thought you were dead,' she says.Maybe if you taped a kite to a panda paw and scared the panda so that it started running, the kite might start to lift off." ~ Michael Ian Black
12. "If I had three wishes for my country, they would be these: keep fighting, keep moving forward, and don't act like a douchebag." ~ Michael Ian Black
13. "You keep your gods in your backyard and I'll keep my lack of God in mine." ~ Michael Ian Black
14. "Spirituality has always felt to me as private as sexuality. We don't go waving our wieners all over the place and we shouldn't wave our gods around either." ~ Michael Ian Black
15. "...Even to me, a sufferer, 'depression' seems like a fetid load of weaselly claptrap, a cheap and easy excuse for not participating in life." ~ Michael Ian Black
16. "Cluelessness is not an attractive quality in a man." ~ Michael Ian Black
17. "When I am at work, that is my time to work. The workspace is not the appropriate arena for us to discuss your problems. When I am there I need to be left undisturbed to check what people are saying about me on Twitter." ~ Michael Ian Black
18. "There is no word for feeling nostalgic about the future, but that's what a parent's tears often are, a nostalgia for something that has not yet occurred. They are the pain of hope, the helplessness of hope, and finally, the surrender to hope." ~ Michael Ian Black
19. "Separation is the worst. There's no good way to deal with it, other than to get on the phone and do Skype and try to visit." ~ Michael Ian Black
20. "Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic but don't give it more attention than it deserves." ~ Michael Ian Black
21. "The thing that I think is the most important is taking moments to express your appreciation to your partner. A thank you or a quick kiss can go a long way toward affirming your relationship and commitment to each other. That's not hard to do even when you're juggling insane careers and three kids." ~ Michael Ian Black
22. "I am a poker player, but I am not a good poker player. My favorite game is seven card stud, but I'll play hi/lo, Hold 'em, Razz, etc." ~ Michael Ian Black
23. "I don't watch that much comedy. I think it's professional jealousy. That and a lack of support for my community." ~ Michael Ian Black
24. "Well, I think my stand-up is often kind of visual. Not like Carrot Top visual, but visual." ~ Michael Ian Black
25. "Best strategy for a first date is to ask her questions. Just keeping asking her questions about herself. Her life, her job, her friends, her taste in movies and music and everything. People mostly just want to talk about themselves, so let her do that." ~ Michael Ian Black
26. "I don't think I was awake for much of my childhood. I did a lot of napping. This might have been a defensive measure against encroaching depression. Until about the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines." ~ Michael Ian Black
27. "Most of the time, you don't win anything on reality shows. You're booted off, or maybe you win $50,000, or $100,000, which isn't really life-changing. I don't know that it's worth it." ~ Michael Ian Black
28. "I am not a music snob. If anything, my musical taste is bad by any critical standards." ~ Michael Ian Black
29. "I feel like my career has been a series of glowing obituaries." ~ Michael Ian Black
30. "If you get an idea, you might as well stick with it until somebody calls you on it." ~ Michael Ian Black
31. "Many, many people can write books. I just happen to be one of them." ~ Michael Ian Black
32. "Whenever anyone asks me if I'm from a TV show, I say yes - no matter whether I've ever been on it. It just makes the conversation that much easier." ~ Michael Ian Black
33. "Wish I could, through my own financial prestidigitation, transform a dollar bill into two, or two million. It is an awesome and mysterious skill." ~ Michael Ian Black
34. "All the work that I do, whether or not it ends up being commercially successful or not, feels like the most important thing to me while I'm doing it. I try to take something away from every project, and so they all feel like milestones for one reason or another." ~ Michael Ian Black
35. "I actually don't know anyone who wants to be famous for fame's sake, at least not anyone I respect. But you need to have a certain amount of power in order to be able to do what you want." ~ Michael Ian Black
36. "I loved 'Dungeons & Dragons.' Actually, not so much the actual playing as the creation of characters and the opportunity to roll twenty-sided dice. I loved those pouches of dice Dungeon Masters would trundle around, loved choosing what I was going to be: warrior, wizard, dwarf, thief." ~ Michael Ian Black
37. "I take it for what it is, and sometimes the criticism is actually useful and constructive and actually informs what I do, but most of the time, it's sort of mindless, or they're receiving something on a different frequency than I was sending it." ~ Michael Ian Black

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Michael Ian Black Quotes
Michael Ian Black Quotes
Michael Ian Black Quotes

Today's Quote

When WWII ended, the Cold War started, and the interest of the Western world was not to completely break Germany. So all those Nazis who had been controlling the country now had the power to rebuild it. I think there were many of them who just continued their life in society; it's a very known fact."
Author: Arnon Goldfinger

What Did Michael Ian Black Talk About?

Thin
Ally
King
Act
End
Self
Hey
Wit
Tan
Ten
Side
Here
Ear
Con
Hen
Call
Bee
Tea
Actually
Actual
Until
Use
Wish
She
Care
Keep
Lack
Less
Might
Often
Problem
Rest
Ring
Lit

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