Condom Quotes

1. "Stop hiding condoms in my stuff. It's like some twisted Easter egg hunt in there."
Author: Alyxandra Harvey

2. "Space is all one space and thought is all one thought, but my mind divides its spaces into spaces into spaces and thoughts into thoughts into thoughts. Like a large condominium. Occasionally I think about the one Space and the one Thought, but usually I don't. Usually I think about my condominium."
Author: Andy Warhol

3. "Faelan stuffed his mouth with the granola bar like a starving toddler and moved down the aisle with the loaded cart. Bree grabbed an empty one and squeaked back. She rounded the corner and stopped. Faelan wasn't chewing. That was a good sign. The package he was reading wasn't. He glanced up, mouth parted, eyes dark, and the hand holding the box of extra large condoms darted behind his back."
Author: Anita Clenney

4. "It started slow and hit her with the force of a sledgehammer, a cataclysm of such power she could only hold on to him and let it happen. He went rigid against her, rock hard in her arms, and he probably muttered "oh, shit" again, but she was beyond hearing, lost in some mind-scattered cloud of inexpressible pleasure. She fell back, limp, awash in shimmering sensation, and she knew an odd, faint trace of regret that he'd used a condom. She'd wanted all of him inside her, a total giving, and he'd withheld something."
Author: Anne Stuart

5. "New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms."
Author: Bill Maher

6. "I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10"
Author: Bill Maher

7. "What you need is a chick from Camden,' Van Patten says, after recovering from McDermott's statement.Oh great,' I say. 'Some chick who thinks it's okay to fuck her brother.'Yeah, but they think AIDS is a new band from England,' Price points out.Where's dinner?' Van Patten asks, absently studying the question scrawled on his napkin. 'Where the fuck are we going?'It's really funny that girls think guys are concerned with that, with diseases and stuff,' Van Patten says, shaking his head.I'm not gonna wear a fucking condom,' McDermott announces.I have read this article I've Xeroxed,' Van Patten says, 'and it says our chances of catching that are like zero zero zero zero point half a decimal percentage or something, and this no matter what kind of scumbag, slutbucket, horndog chick we end up boffing.'Guys just cannot get it.'Well, not white guys."
Author: Bret Easton Ellis

8. "He (Tristan) pushed her onto her back and braced his arms on either side of her shoulders as he ranged his body over hers, nudging his cock against her in the most intimate way possible.With the slightest flex, he'd be buried inside her—without a condom. And she didn't even possess the strength to tell him no."
Author: Cari Quinn

9. "Use a condom. The world doesn't need another you."
Author: Carroll Bryant

10. "Condoms ribbed for extrasensitivity. The last thing I need is extrasensitivity. Here are condoms lined with a topical anesthetic for prolonged action. What a paradox. You don't feel a thing, but you can fuck for hours. This seems to really miss the point. I want my whole life lined with a topical anesthetic."
Author: Chuck Palahniuk

11. "By that she means fully erect. Condom-ready."
Author: Chuck Palahniuk

12. "-You do know to put the condom on as soon as the penis is erect, don't you?-I paid a fortune for bananas out of season in case you need the practice.This is a trap. If I say, Oh yeah, I roll rubbers onto new dry erections all the time, I'll get the slut lecture from my father. But if I tell them, No, we'll get to spend Christmas Day practicing to protect me from fruit."
Author: Chuck Palahniuk

13. "Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom."
Author: Dark Jar Tin Zoo

14. "Waiting for a hot pocket to cook we'd fuck and be satisfied, barefoot on new york city apartment linoleum. A satisfying hot pocket and a big ass smile and a tight ass grip and a wall beside a random pipe beside the stove where we left palm and dick prints. We fucked like this. Three condoms in an hour and a half and where are you now? Holding the hand of some local dude you wish was a little more international, wishing you had known I was enough and asked me to stay. You are standing in the kitchen waiting for popcorn to pop while he washes dishes, not knowing I'm wishing back for you."
Author: Darnell Lamont Walker

15. "Could be an amazing product, sell like condoms at a high school prom, donuts at a police convention, sunscreen on a Caribbean crush ship."
Author: Dennis Vickers

16. "Another one says she has asnap-off crotch. What do you think she means by that? I'm a little worried,though, about all these outbreaks of lifestyle diseases. I carry a reinforced ribbed condom at all times. One size fits all. But I have a feeling it's not much protection against the intelligence and adaptability of the modern virus."
Author: Don DeLillo

17. "A salesman is an it that stinks to please but whether to please itself or someone else makes no more difference than if it sells hate condoms education snakeoil vac uumcleaners terror strawberries democ ra(caveat emptor)cy superfluous hair"
Author: E.E. Cummings

18. "Pam replied that she was too old to worry about being cool, but in fact she did worry about it, and that's one reason it was always nice to see Bobby, who was so uncool as to inhabit—in Pam's mind—his own private condominium of coolness."
Author: Elizabeth Strout

19. "You'll kiss me after I rim you." Wade sat up a little so he could stare me down. "But a used condom on the floor you have a problem with?"
Author: Ethan Day

20. "You know, we are one nation under a god. Yes, you were right. An angry, crack slinging god who decorates with bullets and spent condoms."
Author: Henry Rollins

21. "Men who refuse to use condoms do not deserve to be fucked by anyone but other men who refuse to use condoms."
Author: Inga Muscio

22. "Tell me you spotted a condom tree over to the right by the stream of lube."
Author: Jane Davitt

23. "JANE: What to do when it is that time in your girl child's life:1. Sit down calmly and explain sex to her?2. Buy her a book, video, or CD that gives her the details?3. Buy her condoms and put her on the pill?Or do as many mothers before you did—just stick your head in the sand and hope she joins a convent.Of course these days your child may know more about sex than you did at her age, what with in-school health lessons, and out-of-school R-rated movies easily accessed on the TV, not to mention the Starr Report!In the days of fairy tales, sex was dangerous because so many women died in childbirth. Today sex is again dangerous because of diseases like AIDS. So what do we say?"
Author: Jane Yolen

24. "I make love like I sell sausages to strange women. One at a time, and always covered with a condom (to keep the flies away)."
Author: Jarod Kintz

25. "I've got a pocket full of cash, and a condom full of erection."
Author: Jarod Kintz

26. "They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you."
Author: Jarod Kintz

27. "Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That's why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it's better than wearing a condom."
Author: Jarod Kintz

28. "I live dangerously, but I love safely. I always buy magnum condoms, because they're the only ones that'll fully stretch over my front door's handle."
Author: Jarod Kintz

29. "The condom broke. I know how stupid that sounds. It's the reproductive version of the dog ate my homework."
Author: Jennifer Weiner

30. "Logan, why aren't you wearing protection?"The radio crackled, and then came Logan's voice. "I have 'protection' in my bag," he said. "But as much as I don't want to say this, darlin', now's not the time to be asking if I'm carrying condoms. I have problems.""A life vest, Logan! I'm asking where's your life vest!""Oh," he said. "I knew that."
Author: Jill Shalvis

31. "I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA'. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience."
Author: Joe Dunthorne

32. "Are you even listening to yourself right now? You sound like you're from the nineteen hundreds, not the two thousands." I pointed at the bed. "That thing has been laid straight more times than should be possible, but she managed it somehow; since she could sink the Titanic between her thighs, and still have room. Not to mention that they have this marvelous invention called a condom, and thank fucking Christ for that, since it prevents that troll from touching my baby making treasure."
Author: Katelin LaMontagne

33. "Holy shit... but we were using condoms."Pink tinged her cheeks. "Not the weekend at the lodge."He leaned over and lowered his voice. "Yeah, but I pulled out."Emma cocked her brows. "And you're Mr. Super Potent Sperm, remember?"
Author: Katie Ashley

34. "Tagged by a whiny little vamp. Rache, take this sword and stick it in me. Just go and stick it in me. I'm a back-drafted, crumpled-winged, dust-caked, dew-assed excuse of a backup. Worthless as a pixy condom. Taken down by my own partner. Just tape my ass shut and let me fart out my mouth."
Author: Kim Harrison

35. "I turned to Eddie. "Okay, I've never done this. This is the guy's department. What do I do? We need to get Lee's size and we need industrial strength. Show me which ones to buy."Eddie looked at the display and looked to me. "You're askin' me to help you buy condoms for Lee?"" Industrial strength condoms," I reminded him.Eddie stared at me like he was re-thinking his crush on me."okay," I said, trying to be helpful, "we'll break it down. We'll start with the size."He shook his head. "First, I'm a little worried you're lookin' to me to tell you Lee's size. Lee es mi hermano , but we aren't that close. Second, they don't come in sizes."
Author: Kristen Ashley

36. "Oh, I`m sure Tristin will do it" She said casually as she hung the dress back on the hanger. I stared at her in confusion. "Surely he knows how to put a condom." The visual made my insides squirm with panic. "I mean the whole thing! All of it!" I cried."Oh" She looked at me with surprise and then her expression dissolved into understanding. "Honey, it will all come naturally.""How do I know what natural is though? How do I know what`s right? What if I do it all wrong?"She smiled. "The thing about men, Alexis, is they generally don`t find any of it wrong. In fact, usually the more wrong it is, the more they like it."
Author: Kristie Cook

37. "We tilt our heads back and open wide. The snow drifts into our zombie mouths crawling with grease and curses and tobacco flakes and cavities and boyfriend/girlfriend juice, the stain of lies. For one moment we are not failed tests and broken condoms and cheating on essays; we are crayons and lunch boxes and swinging so high our sneakers punch holes in the clouds. For one breath everything feels better.Then it melts.The bus drivers rev their engines and the ice cloud shatters. Everyone shuffles forward. They don't know what just happened. They can't remember."
Author: Laurie Halse Anderson

38. "Some words have multiple meanings. Scholastic, aware that I'm allergic to preservatives, kindly got someone to translate the phrase "I can only eat food without preservatives" into Italian. They warned me, however, as they taught me how to say it, that the Italian word for "preservatives" is the same as the word for "condom." So that I should be careful how I look when I say it."
Author: Maggie Stiefvater

39. "Worry is to human beings … what a condom is to a man with erectile dysfunction."
Author: Mokokoma Mokhonoana

40. "No matter what those sex-ed teachers say about how great condoms are, there's not a condom in the world to protect you from heartbreak."
Author: Natasha Friend

41. "The Pop-Tarts page is often aflutter. Pop-Tarts, it says as of today (February 8, 2008), were discontinued in Australia in 2005. Maybe that's true. Before that it said that Pop-Tarts were discontinued in Korea. Before that Australia. Several days ago it said: "Pop-Tarts is german for Little Iced Pastry O' Germany." Other things I learned from earlier versions: More than two trillion Pop-Tarts are sold each year. George Washington invented them. They were developed in the early 1960s in China. Popular flavors are "frosted strawberry, frosted brown sugar cinnamon, and semen." Pop-Tarts are a "flat Cookie." No: "Pop-Tarts are a flat Pastry, KEVIN MCCORMICK is a FRIGGIN LOSER notto mention a queer inch." No: "A Pop-Tart is a flat condom." Once last fall the whole page was replaced with "NIPPLES AND BROCCOLI!!!!!"
Author: Nicholson Baker

42. "Dean opened the glove compartment and took out a package of condoms."You keep condoms in there?" I asked."It is called the glove compartment," he replied with a wink."
Author: Nina Lane

43. "I became a diligent condom carrier and when most subsequent lovers had the good fortune to lie under my grunting, sweaty mass, they were always the grimacing recipient of an eager and rubber-sheathed penis boner."
Author: Rob Delaney

44. "Oh yeah, this was so comforting. Like a porcupine in a condom factory.' (Danger)"
Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon

45. "You think he has some bomb defusing MacGyver contraption cooked up that involves lube, condoms, and a paper clip?"
Author: Stephani Hecht

46. "So, we skipped Annabel, and discussed condoms. I said I liked the orange ones, and we ended our talk in laughter."
Author: Steven Herrick

47. "Take it all off. I don't intend to fuck somebody in his underwear. And you have to use a condom. I know where I've been, but I don't know where you've been. - Lisbeth Salander"
Author: Stieg Larsson

48. "He grinned like a proud male and moved closer. "It was good.""Are you asking or telling?""I know it was good."She'd just experienced the longest orgasm in modern history. Who was she to be critical?"It was amazing."He cupped her face and kissed her. "We could do it again.""I don't think that's possible."Instead of answering, he bent down and drew her nipple into his mouth. Then he reachedbetween her legs and lightly touched her.Instantly jolts shot through her. She found herself wanting to pull him close and beg to betaken.He drew back. "What do you think?"She looked into his amused eyes. "That maybe I might have a little more time to make upfor.""I figured.""Did you bring more condoms?""Yes.""Thank God."
Author: Susan Mallery

49. "Olsons P.I. 'Kenny Jones' as he approaches a barman in a notorious Bangkok Gay bar as part of an investigation -'I was tempted to ask him if he had heard the one about the two condoms walking down Soi Rome when they see The Balcony Pub. One condom turns to the other and says ‘Let's go in there and get shit-faced' -"
Author: Warren Olson

50. "Dear Lord," began Randy, who paused for long enough that Tristan sneaked an eye open to look at him. His saw his mother's cheek twitch with what he thought might be apprehension. "We are so grateful to be gathered here today with our family, and the family of our brother's homosexual boyfriend, and our new little goth friend who has a gay dad, whatever the heck that is all about. We'd like to say we're grateful this year for condoms, lube, and Ellen Degeneres, and for those guys on Queer Eye…"Randall Evan Phillips!" his mother shouted."
Author: Z.A. Maxfield

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