Hilarious Me Quotes

1. "Incidentally, I spent some time on the Purell website, where you can find a list of ninety-nine places germs lurk (in-flight magazines, movie tickets, gas-pump keypads, hotel room a/c controls, and on and on). It's hilarious and terrifying. The only place they don't mention is the Purell dispensers themselves. You know they're coated with germs. It's one of health's cruelest catch-22s."
Author: A.J. Jacobs

2. "So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ...Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' Wooooo... 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight."
Author: Bill Hicks

3. "Michael Buble is seriously my favorite entertainer. Have you ever seen the guy in concert? He's hilarious. Women love him. Guys want to meet him. He has everything that I wish I could do onstage. And I'm guessin' he's a good-lookin' guy - although he's not one of 'People' magazine's sexiest men."
Author: Blake Shelton

4. "So…why is your brother mean to girls?""Because," said Michael from the doorway, "I have three younger brothers who think it's hilarious to parade jailbait through here on a daily basis."His tone was enough to make her glad she'd worn the pullover into the house. "No one told me there was a parade," she said acidly. "And here I forgot my banner."
Author: Brigid Kemmerer

5. "Mom!" Becca stared at her. "You think—you think I'm dating Michael?"Her mom stared back at her, obviously thrown. "You're not?"This would be hilarious if her mom didn't look so serious."Oh my god," cried Becca. "Are you kidding? Michael is the last person I would ever—oh my god. I wouldn't go out with him if someone paid me. Ugh, that's just—""You know I can hear you, right?" called Michael."
Author: Brigid Kemmerer

6. "You're the best boyfriend ever. You let me ride in elevators and everything." "Laugh it up, Pet. It'll be hilarious when we get stuck and the smell of unclean tourist is invading your nostrils." "Don't worry, Sexy. I'll protect you."
Author: C.J. Roberts

7. "Smiles are a funny thingand laughter is hilarious.I smile sometimeswhen I am delirious."
Author: Casey Renee Kiser

8. "It was a happy day for me when that astronaut left the office, but in retrospect, I learned a lot from him. For example, that if you need to make a strong criticism, it's a bad idea to lash out wildly; be surgical, pinpoint the problem rather than attack the person. Never ridicule a colleague, even with an offhand remark, no matter how tempting it is or how hilarious the laugh line. The more senior you are, the greater the impact your flippant comment will have. Don't snap at the people who work with you. When you see red, count to 10."
Author: Chris Hadfield

9. "My mother neither encouraged the reading of science fiction nor did she disparage it. She told me later that there was a scheme of things. Young people were first drawn to fiction, but as they grew older they were pulled more and more into nonfiction and biography, because nonfiction is so much more tragic, engrossing, and hilarious than anything else that could be invented. In this grand scheme, comic books and science fiction were just fine. They filled the need for a certain amount of time, and you moved on when that need was no longer filled."
Author: Don Borchert

10. "If I were related to Monet, I don't know if I would be comfortable becoming an artist because it's too much, the comparison. If I wrote a book and put it out, the comparison to my great-grandfather, the comparison would be hilarious. Every critic, it would be their dream, they'd tear me apart."
Author: Dree Hemingway

11. "I happen to think singing is hilarious, especially when it pops out at the wrong time."
Author: Ed Helms

12. "Fill with mingled cream and amber, I will drain that glass again.Such hilarious visions clamber Through the chamber of my brain —Quaintest thoughts — queerest fancies Come to life and fade away;What care I how time advances? I am drinking ale today."
Author: Edgar Allan Poe

13. "The entity should attempt, - seriously, prayerfully, spiritually, - to see even that as might be called the ridiculous side of every question, - the humor in same. Remember that a good laugh, an arousing even to what might in some be called hilariousness, is good for the body, physically, mentally, and gives the opportunity for greater mental and spiritual awakening."
Author: Edgar Cayce

14. "You said he carries a gun?""Yeah, that's the bad news."Perry whispers, "What's the good news?"I pause. "I read recently that eggs aren't bad for you anymore. There's, like, new research.""That's not even remotely funny,"Perry says. "This is me not laughing, Vin.""It's hard to tell you with you in ski mask. You might have thought it was hilarious.""Trust me. Not laughing."
Author: Edmond Manning

15. "You, and you alone, have reported this mysterious sense of doom. You, and you alone, are a chaos magnet the likes of which I have never seen. After our little shopping trip to Diagon Alley, and then the Sorting Hat, and then today's little episode, I can well foresee that I am fated to sit in the Headmaster's office and hear some hilarious tale about Professor Quirrell in which you and you alone play a starring role, after which there will be no choice but to fire him. I am already resigned to it, Mr. Potter. And if this sad event takes place any earlier than the Ides of May, I will string you up by the gates of Hogwarts with your own intestines and pour fire beetles into your nose. Now do you understand me completely?"
Author: Eliezer Yudkowsky

16. "When I was a kid, I just read and read. We were lucky enough to have gone to England and had a whole bunch of Penguin Puffins books, like The Land of Green Ginger by Noel Langley, which is hilarious. I would love to be able to write a book like that, but I don't know that I have a humorous bone in my body when it comes to writing. Once on a Time by A.A. Milne. I read a lot of old, old fantasy stuff. The Carbonelbooks by Barbara Sleigh. Then when I got a little older I loved Zilpha Keatley Snyder. I was a big fan of romance and when I got a little bit older I would read a Harlequin romance or a Georgette Heyer novel and then David Copperfield, and then another genre book and then Irving Stone's The Agony and the Ecstasy. I was that kind of reader. One book that I loved was I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith. I loved voice and that book had it in spades. And then of course I grew into loving Jane Eyre."
Author: Franny Billingsley

17. "I like L.A. It's like a mini break. For a writer, it's hilarious. Like the food. Where I come from, we eat chip sandwiches: white bread, butter, tomato catsup and big fat french fries. It's delicious. Here, you order a creme caramel and the waiter says, 'You know, that contains dairy.'"
Author: Helen Fielding

18. "Kaldar almost never stops and thinks about the consequences of his actions. Something is fun or not fun, and my brother's fun often lands him in interesting places such as jails or castles belonging to California robber barons. Where other people see certain death, my brother sees an opportunity for a hilarious, thrilling adventure. But when I got the tattoo, Kaldar warned me that marrying her was a bad idea."
Author: Ilona Andrews

19. "Shut up," I snapped. "This is not the time. What part of this situation seems like a joke to you?"Lohka pulled up his knees, giving a feeble, half-manic little laugh. "Oh, maybe just the idea that some soul-devouring being of chaos could be waiting anywhere to finish destroying my life," he said. "That's kind of hilarious, you know. Have you ever had a soul-devouring being of chaos hunting you down so it could finish eating you?""No," I said. "I'm sorry, Lohka.""That's nice," he muttered."What about the part where this soul-devouring being of chaos seems to have a taste for me at the moment?" Zhabyr asked. "Can we worry about that, now? Because I kind of already am."
Author: J. Leigh Bralick

20. "And of course Marc Cherry heightens it and makes it hilarious. But there's so many universal themes in the show, and he made it so funny. We knew he was onto something if he could keep it up and, thankfully, he did."
Author: James Denton

21. "Several passages induced the shiver of aesthetic bliss in my spine that Nabokov famously described as the indicator of good and true writing. The whole thing is by turns hilarious and hilariously sad, artfully pin-holed with melancholy (my favorite drink)… Empty the Sun is an impressive achievement, as well as an excellent and I believe as yet unused name for a rock band."
Author: James Greer

22. "I won't lie to you—it was hilarious. Yes, we were in trouble, yes, this was a disaster, and so one and so forth, but I have to say, seeing those upturned faces, the looks, was bout the best thing that happened to us since we'd come to New York."
Author: James Patterson

23. "It's hilarious a lot of times. You have a conversation with someone, and he's like, 'You speak so well!' I'm like, 'What do you mean? Do you understand that's an insult?"
Author: Jay Z

24. "Gem thought it would be hilarious to shear his brother's fine hair off while he was sleeping. Ever since then Menai decided he actually preferred the Mohawk. Both had inherited their mother's Western Continent coloring, a blend of pearly white and sea grass green that set their bold sea-colored eyes off handsomely. And since they had grown old enough to realize this, they had become a pair of pre-pubescent manipulating terrors."
Author: Jennifer Silverwood

25. "For years, I always thought it was hilarious that I was this fitness guru, because fitness was just a tool I utilized to help people improve their confidence. For me, it's never been about fitness. It's always been about helping to empower people."
Author: Jillian Michaels

26. "There are only so many hilarious actors so when they cross-pollinate, people assume it's always the same actors and directors."
Author: Judd Apatow

27. "A harem," she murmured into his neck and laughed at last at the notion. "I can't believe you had a harem. You are hilarious, Stuart." He laughed. At himself."I hated men. I loved women. I wanted them all. It seemed logical to start to accumulate them."
Author: Judith Ivory

28. "'Free Agents' was an awesome experience. I never play the glam girl in anything, so that was a new experience. I would walk into one of my trailers and it would be like Spanx, a spray-tan gun, and chicken cutlets. I would have hair extensions. It was hilarious. Every day felt like I was turning into an awesome drag queen."
Author: Kathryn Hahn

29. "Are you going to put on your old cheer uniform?"Ryan was a little too excited by the thought of me in a costume, so I squashed that idea, and fast."In your dreams.""Not exactly." Ryan grinned wickedly. "In my dreams you're usually dressed like Wonder Woman."Ugh. I wondered how long it would take for him to start in on the superhero crap. Obviously, not long. I was not amused, but Ryan seemed to thinkhimself hilarious. I could also tell by the look on his face that he was quite confident he'd have me in costume one day. "Never gonna happen," Iassured him. "Ever."And of course he responded with that classic, cocky smile. "Just like you were never gonna be my girlfriend, right?"
Author: Kelly Oram

30. "I think my speeches are hilarious. I think I'm a natural comedian, but I like denying people the chance to laugh. I want to deny you the relief of the punchline."
Author: Lydia Lunch

31. "My brother cleared his throat. "I wish she knew that I think she is the most hilarious person on Earth. And that whenever she's not home, I feel like I'm missing my partner in crime."My throat tightened. Do not cry. Do not cry."I wish she knew that she's really Mom's favorite--" I shook my head here."--the princess she always wanted. That Mom used to dress her up like a little doll and parade her around like Mara was her greatest achievement. I wish Mara knew that I never minded, because she's my favorite too."
Author: Michelle Hodkin

32. "I fart, you fart, he farts, she farts.Let's not deny it, people. Farting is a regular, healthy, and hilarious part of life. Squeezing out big plumes of noxious gas doesn't always smell good, but it generally feels might fine."
Author: Neil Pasricha

33. "If the onset of wrinkles in middle age were referred to as laughter lines, then to look at him, Scott thought, Twinkle's life must have been hilarious. He had sharp eyes that often seemed to visually contradict the lack of intelligence that could be derived from listening to him talk. There might not be a lot to respect in Twinkle, but Scott liked him. He just didn't want to end up like him."
Author: R.D. Ronald

34. "The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'"
Author: Retta

35. "Oh come on,'Pheobe continued. 'You're asking for it. Pale skin, black clothes, no lunch and that whole brooding thing? It's hilarious. You should get body glitter and go after an unsuspecting freshman.''You should!' Cassidy agreed. 'Tell her you're a dangerous monster. And mention how good her blood smells.''Wrong time of the month on that one, and I'm getting slapped,' I muttered, and everyone laughed."
Author: Robyn Schneider

36. "Jokes are hilarious only when you take them unreal and dreamlike, otherwise it becomes painful. So I always live otherworldly..."
Author: Saket Assertive

37. "I miss our Would You Rather conversations and your hilarious answers. I miss your laugh. I miss the way I feel when I make you laugh. Like I just won something really important. I miss just sitting with you in perfect, silent understanding. I miss the way you never judge anyone. It's such a rare find, Liv. And I miss watching how kind you are with everyone. I miss being able to call you and talk to you about random shit and important shit. I miss my best friend. I miss you. I love you."
Author: Samantha Young

38. "Stamps from Afghanistan are hilarious. You can tell when the revolutions are because suddenly they stop having pictures of the mullahs and the independence monument and they start having fish on them."
Author: Samuel West

39. "You're so hilarious. You know, if this whole Daimon-slaying gig doesn't work out for you, you should really consider being a comedian. The bright Barney hair color would just add to the overall entertainment factor."
Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon

40. "Despite that I was sober as a judge, I felt drunk from Jared's teasing . Of course he thought that was hilarious and was very pleased with himself. So I bit him. The thing about Sventé saliva was that it could spark the ‘blood donor' to have an orgasm if the vampire drank from them for more than ten seconds … I counted to eight before releasing him, but the damage was done – he was as horny as I was and more than ready to fuck. About bloody time. "I take it you're ready to leave now." His lopsided smile had me smiling back. "You're a tricky bitch, aren't you? I can respect that." He teleported us both to the living area of our apartment, where we instantly dived on each other."
Author: Suzanne Wright

41. "Super Troopers is hilarious. Everybody always thought we somehow - we did Reno way, way before any of us had seen Super Troopers. It sat on the shelf for a couple years."
Author: Thomas Lennon

42. "This Syrian circus/crisis we are going through is hilarious... It's like watching some thug killing another person and asking him for his bullets but releasing him free."
Author: Ziad K. Abdelnour

Hilarious Me Quotes Pictures