Hilarious Quotes

1. "Incidentally, I spent some time on the Purell website, where you can find a list of ninety-nine places germs lurk (in-flight magazines, movie tickets, gas-pump keypads, hotel room a/c controls, and on and on). It's hilarious and terrifying. The only place they don't mention is the Purell dispensers themselves. You know they're coated with germs. It's one of health's cruelest catch-22s."
Author: A.J. Jacobs

2. "In my personal life, I'm hilarious! I was always a bit of a jokester."
Author: Alison Brie

3. "...I've gotten endless signs of the greatness of God's love and hilarious care, but I always end up needing a newer sign, maybe one that is cuter and more spangly."
Author: Anne Lamott

4. "I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags."
Author: Arthur Smith

5. "You're the best boyfriend ever. You let me ride in elevators and everything." "Laugh it up, Pet. It'll be hilarious when we get stuck and the smell of unclean tourist is invading your nostrils." "Don't worry, Sexy. I'll protect you."
Author: C.J. Roberts

6. "I just love the storyline, I thought it was hilarious - I loved that part when we opened the door, we all look ahead and we have to look down and see that we're actually dealing with this little boy who did this horrible thing of ordering a wife through e-mail."
Author: Caroline Dhavernas

7. "Smiles are a funny thingand laughter is hilarious.I smile sometimeswhen I am delirious."
Author: Casey Renee Kiser

8. "Your brother is hilarious! And possibly gayEntangled by Cat Clarke"
Author: Cat Clarke

9. "So..." Heather nodded slowly. "We're still here.""Yep. I think your team of SWAT guys got lost. Probably looking for their shirts."She made a face at him. "You're effing hilarious.""I try."
Author: Chelsea Fine

10. "I think Carrot Top is hilarious."
Author: Craig Robinson

11. "My mother neither encouraged the reading of science fiction nor did she disparage it. She told me later that there was a scheme of things. Young people were first drawn to fiction, but as they grew older they were pulled more and more into nonfiction and biography, because nonfiction is so much more tragic, engrossing, and hilarious than anything else that could be invented. In this grand scheme, comic books and science fiction were just fine. They filled the need for a certain amount of time, and you moved on when that need was no longer filled."
Author: Don Borchert

12. "Fill with mingled cream and amber, I will drain that glass again.Such hilarious visions clamber Through the chamber of my brain —Quaintest thoughts — queerest fancies Come to life and fade away;What care I how time advances? I am drinking ale today."
Author: Edgar Allan Poe

13. "The entity should attempt, - seriously, prayerfully, spiritually, - to see even that as might be called the ridiculous side of every question, - the humor in same. Remember that a good laugh, an arousing even to what might in some be called hilariousness, is good for the body, physically, mentally, and gives the opportunity for greater mental and spiritual awakening."
Author: Edgar Cayce

14. "It is the custom to look back on ourselves of the boom days with a disapproval that approaches horror...But it had its virtues, that old boom: Life was a great deal larger and gayer for most people, and the stampede to the Spartan virtues in times of war and famine shouldn't make us too dizzy to remember its hilarious glory."
Author: F. Scott Fitzgerald

15. "A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious!"
Author: Fred Tomaselli

16. "Then there's also Batman, who seems to have survived both Adam West and Christian Bale, but whose questionable relationship to the Boy Wonder left plenty of room for hilarious homoerotic undertones."
Author: George Takei

17. "I like L.A. It's like a mini break. For a writer, it's hilarious. Like the food. Where I come from, we eat chip sandwiches: white bread, butter, tomato catsup and big fat french fries. It's delicious. Here, you order a creme caramel and the waiter says, 'You know, that contains dairy.'"
Author: Helen Fielding

18. "But the third Emir, now seeing himself all alone on the quarter-deck, seems to feel relieved from some curious restraint; for, tipping all sorts of knowing winks in all sorts of directions, and kicking off his shoes, he strikes into a sharp but noiseless squall of a hornpipe right over the Grand Turk's head; and then, by a dexterous sleight, pitching his cap up into the mizentop for a shelf, he goes down rollicking so far at least as he remains visible from the deck, reversing all other processions, by bringing up the rear with music. But ere stepping into the cabin doorway below, he pauses, ships a new face altogether, and, then, independent, hilarious little Flask enters King Ahab's presence, in the character of Abjectus, or the Slave."
Author: Herman Melville

19. "Barabas placed a stack on the table and held the chair out for me. "For you." "I'm hungry and I don't have time for this." Barabas's eyes held no mercy. "Make time, Alpha. You have two hands. You can eat and sign simultaneously." Curran grinned. "Enjoying my suffering?" I asked. "I find it hilarious that you'll run into a gunfight with nothing but your sword, but paperwork makes you panic." Barabas put a thicker stack in front of him. "This is yours, m'lord." Curran swore."
Author: Ilona Andrews

20. "Kaldar almost never stops and thinks about the consequences of his actions. Something is fun or not fun, and my brother's fun often lands him in interesting places such as jails or castles belonging to California robber barons. Where other people see certain death, my brother sees an opportunity for a hilarious, thrilling adventure. But when I got the tattoo, Kaldar warned me that marrying her was a bad idea."
Author: Ilona Andrews

21. "And of course Marc Cherry heightens it and makes it hilarious. But there's so many universal themes in the show, and he made it so funny. We knew he was onto something if he could keep it up and, thankfully, he did."
Author: James Denton

22. "Several passages induced the shiver of aesthetic bliss in my spine that Nabokov famously described as the indicator of good and true writing. The whole thing is by turns hilarious and hilariously sad, artfully pin-holed with melancholy (my favorite drink)… Empty the Sun is an impressive achievement, as well as an excellent and I believe as yet unused name for a rock band."
Author: James Greer

23. "For years, I always thought it was hilarious that I was this fitness guru, because fitness was just a tool I utilized to help people improve their confidence. For me, it's never been about fitness. It's always been about helping to empower people."
Author: Jillian Michaels

24. "There's so much joy in doing comedy work, and that's one of the reasons I like to do it - because it's just a hilarious day at work."
Author: John C. Reilly

25. "She pushed the car. But I was so distracted that i forgot to push the button on the timer, so we had to do the whole thing again. Which Lindsey found hilarious. "Ok" she said. "Are you ready NOW, or do we have to send you back to Button Pushing one-oh-one?" "Um, what's Button Pushing One-oh-one?" I was wearing a button down shirt that day. Lindsey reached out and poked one of the buttons into my chest. "There, that's how you push a button. Any questions?"
Author: Jordan Sonnenblick

26. "They dragged the air mattress up to the widow's walk and eventually figured out how it was supposed to inflate, but Lucas had to read the instructions in Spanish because the English ones were nearly incomprehensible. Hilariously so. "Insert mouth to the purpose inflation," Helen whispered. ... "Expel lung into inflator tube," Lucas whispered back. "That sounds like it would hurt."
Author: Josephine Angelini

27. "There are only so many hilarious actors so when they cross-pollinate, people assume it's always the same actors and directors."
Author: Judd Apatow

28. "Why not try thinking of your life as hilarious rather than nightmarish?"
Author: Julia Sweeney

29. "Are you going to put on your old cheer uniform?"Ryan was a little too excited by the thought of me in a costume, so I squashed that idea, and fast."In your dreams.""Not exactly." Ryan grinned wickedly. "In my dreams you're usually dressed like Wonder Woman."Ugh. I wondered how long it would take for him to start in on the superhero crap. Obviously, not long. I was not amused, but Ryan seemed to thinkhimself hilarious. I could also tell by the look on his face that he was quite confident he'd have me in costume one day. "Never gonna happen," Iassured him. "Ever."And of course he responded with that classic, cocky smile. "Just like you were never gonna be my girlfriend, right?"
Author: Kelly Oram

30. "Fucking nightmares.My heart starts to slow down. Glancing down at the floor, I see Tybalt, who is glaring at me with a puffed-up tail. I wonder if he had been sleeping on my chest and I catapulted him off when I woke up. I don't remember, but I wish that I did, because it would've been hilarious."
Author: Kendare Blake

31. "I could party in a cardboard box with people who are funny and don't care. For me, it's really about who I surround myself with, so I just try to always be with hilarious people."
Author: Kesha

32. "- Dude, it's Jocelyn, I (Jordan) say looking over my shoulder nervously [...]- This isn't Jocelyn, B.J says sighing. It's Jordan. Dude, try to play a better trick than that. You sound nothing like her. Plus your number came up on my caller ID.PS: maybe I'm just in a very good mood, but I keep laughing while reading this book, there are plenty of scenes that make me smile, and this is one of them.. it's just hilarious how silly and funny these characters are ;))"
Author: Lauren Barnholdt

33. "My son thinks I'm hilarious, but he's only 1."
Author: Mackenzie Crook

34. "A monkey could do my job better and with more hilarious results."
Author: Marie Helene Bertino

35. "Oh my God!" said one of the Ambers. "Is this not the worst trip ever? Did you see the snow?" She was a sharp one, this Amber. What would she notice next? The train? The moon? The hilarious vagaries of human existence? Her own head?"
Author: Maureen Johnson

36. "My brother cleared his throat. "I wish she knew that I think she is the most hilarious person on Earth. And that whenever she's not home, I feel like I'm missing my partner in crime."My throat tightened. Do not cry. Do not cry."I wish she knew that she's really Mom's favorite--" I shook my head here."--the princess she always wanted. That Mom used to dress her up like a little doll and parade her around like Mara was her greatest achievement. I wish Mara knew that I never minded, because she's my favorite too."
Author: Michelle Hodkin

37. "LA isn't a walking city, or a subway city, so if someone isn't in my house or my car we'll never be together, not even for a moment. And just to be absolutely sure of that, when I leave my car my iPhone escorts me, letting everyone else in the post office know that I'm not really with them, I'm with my own people, who are so hilarious that I can't help smiling to myself as I text them back."
Author: Miranda July

38. "You have to think outside the box! Can you imagine One Direction and Eminem?! That would be hilarious."
Author: Niall Horan

39. "When you exclude anything that is improbable, whatever is left, is not as hilarious."
Author: Oleg Medvedkov

40. "They're Twin-like," Shaunee said."Hilarious," Erin agreed. "Shut up!" Aphrodite and Stevie Rae said together, which made the Twins convulse into laughter."
Author: P.C. Cast

41. "I want the 'Roots' biopic to be animated - I see Charles Schulz drawing us. I think it would be more hilarious with the voices of children."
Author: Questlove

42. "The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'"
Author: Retta

43. "At the risk of appearing disingenuous, I don't really think of myself as 'writing humor.' I'm simply reporting on the world I observe, which is frequently hilarious."
Author: Richard Russo

44. "Angeline made a few more attempts to break away, but when it became clear she couldn't, those around us began whistling and cheering. A few moments later, that dark and furious look vanished from Angeline's face, replaced by resignation. I eyed her warily, not about to let down my guard."Fine," she said. "I guess it's okay. Go ahead.""Huh? What's okay?" I demanded."It's okay if you marry my brother."(Next chapter)"It's not funny!""You're right,"agreed Sydney, laughing hysterically. "It's not funny. It's hilarious."
Author: Richelle Mead

45. "In person, if possible, Anubis was even more drop-dead gorgeous. [Oh . . . ha, ha. I didn't catch the pun, but thank you, Carter. God of the dead, drop-dead gorgeous. Yes, hilarious. Now, may I continue?]"
Author: Rick Riordan

46. "Unintentional foreshadowing is unintentionally hilarious."
Author: Sarah Wendell

47. "...and they realize it is just the two of them now, when the father has gone and the children are left alone in the funhouse, they stand in silence, the fat lady and the short man with one arm, and try to look only at the mirrors, but a gust of happiness that seems to have no borders, bliss without an edge, envelops them, and exhausted by the stress of desire, hilarious with happiness, they turn toward each other and kiss (and kiss and kiss), and their turn, their kiss, was shattered, multiplied in the mirrors above."
Author: Susan Sontag

48. "Despite that I was sober as a judge, I felt drunk from Jared's teasing . Of course he thought that was hilarious and was very pleased with himself. So I bit him. The thing about Sventé saliva was that it could spark the ‘blood donor' to have an orgasm if the vampire drank from them for more than ten seconds … I counted to eight before releasing him, but the damage was done – he was as horny as I was and more than ready to fuck. About bloody time. "I take it you're ready to leave now." His lopsided smile had me smiling back. "You're a tricky bitch, aren't you? I can respect that." He teleported us both to the living area of our apartment, where we instantly dived on each other."
Author: Suzanne Wright

49. "Super Troopers is hilarious. Everybody always thought we somehow - we did Reno way, way before any of us had seen Super Troopers. It sat on the shelf for a couple years."
Author: Thomas Lennon

50. "Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself."
Author: Zach Galifianakis

Hilarious Quotes Pictures