Top Jokes Quotes

Browse top 461 famous quotes and sayings about Jokes by most favorite authors.

Favorite Jokes Quotes

1. "I love jokes that come out of nowhere. The ones where people look at the screen and go, 'What the Hell was that.' As long as it somehow ties back into the story, somehow."
Author: Allen Covert
2. "I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show."
Author: Anthony Jeselnik
3. "Lucius shrugged. "Perhaps in time you will find it useful.""Sure. I'll keep it on my shelf right next to The Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Mythical Creature.''Lucius actually laughed. "Very funny. I didn't know you made jokes.""I'm a funny person," I defended myself. "And by the way—I don't snore.""You do snore. And you mumble, too."My blood froze. The dream . . . "What? What did you hear?""Nothing too intelligible. But it must have been a rather pleasant dream. You sounded ecstatic."
Author: Beth Fantaskey
4. "But I love to drink. I can't help it. I mean, I love it Bryson-love the taste, love that buzz you get when you've had a couple, love the smell and feel of the taverns. I miss dirty jokes and the click of pool balls in the background, and that kind of bluish, under lit glow of a bar at night."
Author: Bill Bryson
5. "I try to exist in a world where there is freedom of opinion, where you're allowed to make jokes. I don't want to live in some PC world where no-one's allowed to say anything."
Author: Boy George
6. "It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them."
Author: Brian P. Cleary
7. "My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh."
Author: Carrot Top
8. "What do zombies chant at a riot?""Grrarphsnarg?" he asked, in a surprisingly well-done bit of mindless zombie imitating."No, but that was really good. Disconcertingly good.""I was deceased for a time.""True. But anyway, the rioters get all riled up, and they chant: ‘What do we want? Brains! When do we want them? Brains!'" I fell into a wave of appropriately boisterous laughter; Ethan seemed less impressed."I truly hope the stipend we pay you doesn't get spent on the development of jokes like that."
Author: Chloe Neill
9. "I do three drafts handwritten and then it's typed up... They are different from each other, they are hopefully improvements in the sense you're going back over something. The first time you write it, it's the first thing that you can think. The second time you're trying to shape the dialogue, helping the characters. The third time you're doing it because you want the words to sound nice, hopefully making the prose better, making it more fun to read, making the jokes funnier and the scary bits scarier."
Author: Clive Barker
10. "Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science."
Author: Ellen DeGeneres
11. "…anyway it wasn't your reading that started this. It was the laugher, the carefree laughter, the three dimensional Coca Cola advertisement that you were, the try-anything-once friends, the imperviousness to all that came before you, the chain phone calls, the in-jokes, the instant success, the beach houses, the white lace underwear, the private dancing, the good-graced acceptance pf part-time shift work, the apparent absence of expectations, the ever-changing disposable cults of the rural, the family, the eastern, the modern, the postmodern, the impoverished, the sleekly deregulated, the orgasm, the feminine, the feminist, and then the way you canceled with the air of one making a salad"
Author: Elliot Perlman
12. "All life was weather, a waiting through the hot where events had no significance for the cool that was soft and caressing like a woman's hand on a tired forehead. Down in Georgia there is a feeling—perhaps inarticulate—that this is the greatest wisdom of the South—so after a while the Jelly-bean turned into a poolhall on Jackson Street where he was sure to find a congenial crowd who would make all the old jokes—the ones he knew."
Author: F. Scott Fitzgerald
13. "Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish."
Author: Frank Carson
14. "Cool. I'm Kathryn, but everyone calls me Kat. And do not make any cat jokes or I'll have to hurt you. With my claws." she waved the long, blunt tips of her fingers at me. "Truth be told, I stopped speaking meow a long time ago." speaking meow? "I'm guessing calling you pretty kitty is out."
Author: Gena Showalter
15. "A best friend is one who understands humour in your most weird jokes.."
Author: Himmilicious
16. "I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make people laugh. There was a set of students who would find it funny. But the cool students were like, 'Eeew!'"
Author: Issa Rae
17. "What incensed him the most was the blatant jokes of the ones that passed it all off as a jest, pretending to understand everything and in reality not knowing their own minds."
Author: James Joyce
18. "Me in bed—with a honeymoon present. Some of them were small, some were funny jokes, and some were extravagant, but every present came straight"
Author: James Patterson
19. "The shapes inched closer. I gaped at them, trying to discern their features. "I think I see dead people," I whispered."Yep," Aidan said, smiling. "More vampire jokes. You're just fine, then. Once this is over, you and my brother will be BFFs." He wrapped his arms around me, pressing me against his broad chest. Against my better judgement, I leaned into him, strangely comforted."
Author: Jayde Scott
20. "Half of the time I don't know what they're talking about; their jokes seem to relate to a past that everyone but me has shared. I'm a foreigner in the world and I don't understand the language."
Author: Jean Webster
21. "Beginning writers are often advised to 'write what you know,' and since I knew about quilters - their quirks, their inside jokes, their disputes and their generosity, their quarrels and their kindnesses - the lives of quilters became a natural subject for me. Quilting wove together my two themes as completely and effortlessly as I could have hoped."
Author: Jennifer Chiaverini
22. "We did sometimes play jokes on each other. It was fun, until about a month ago when he attacked me with nerf guns when I walked in the door. I slipped while running away and fell on the coffee table. Let's just say I wouldn't be winning the most graceful woman's award any time soon."
Author: Jessica Florence
23. "In both jokes and dreams, Freud observed, meanings are condensed and displaced, things are represented indirectly or by their opposites, fallacious reasoning trumps logic. Jokes often arise involuntarily, like dreams, and tend to be swiftly forgotten. From these similarities Freud inferred that jokes and dreams share a common origin in the unconscious. Both are essentially means of outwitting our inner "censor."
Author: Jim Holt
24. "Does your license plate mean something?" Bing asked. "En-o-ess-four-a-two?""Nosferatu," the man Charlie Manx said."Nosfer-what-who?"Manx said, "It is one of my little jokes. My first wife once accused me of being a Nosferatu. She did not use that exact word, but close enough."
Author: Joe Hill
25. "Jokes are a lot about meaning. I think if we understand what jokes mean and why they work, we'd understand everything else. Genuinely I do."
Author: John Lloyd
26. "Hey Clark', he said.'Tell me something good'. I stared out of the window at the bright-blue Swiss sky and I told him a story of two people. Two people who shouldn't have met, and who didn't like each other much when they did, but who found they were the only two people in the world who could possibly have understood each other. And I told him of the adventures they had, the places they had gone, and the things I had seen that I had never expected to. I conjured for him electric skies and iridescent seas and evenings full of laughter and silly jokes. I drew a world for him, a world far from a Swiss industrial estate, a world in which he was still somehow the person he had wanted to be. I drew the world he had created for me, full of wonder and possibility."
Author: Jojo Moyes
27. "Night goes away, a black bull--body heavy with mourning and fear and mystery--it has been bellowing horribly, monstrously,in genuine fear of all the dead;and day arrives, a young childwho wants trust, and love, and jokes,--a child who somewhere far away, in secret placeswhere what ends meets what is starting,has been playing a moment on some meadow or otherof light and darknesswith the bull who is running away..."
Author: Juan Ramón Jiménez
28. "My act's not heavy on pop culture or stories, just lots of jokes."
Author: Judah Friedlander
29. "The four of us were together at last--me, the angel, the devil, and my demon. I felt like the moment should have seemed more momentous, or at least more pleasant, like we should have made jokes as we meandered down to the beach, collected driftwood for a fire, and leisurely toasted marshmallows. Instead, I was struggling to keep my eyes open, the angel was looking at the ground, Oz was glaring at the trunk, and for some reason I just knew that Forneus, locked down and wrapped in a sheet, was glaring right back."
Author: Katherine Pine
30. "...I decided I'd changed my mind about home. Home was not Pensacola San Diego Guam or any of the other places we might have lived. In fact home wasn't any particular place at all. Home was my family. Even if they didn't get my jokes sometimes."
Author: Kimberly Willis Holt
31. "Make a list of all the lovers you've ever had.Warren LasherEd "Rubberhead" CatapanoCharles Deats or KeatsAlfonseTuck it in your pocket. Leave it lying around, conspicuously. Somehow you lose it. Make "mislaid" jokes to yourself. Make another list."
Author: Lorrie Moore
32. "I myself am convinced that the theory of evolution, especially to the extent to which it has been applied, will be one of the greatest jokes in the history books of the future. Posterity will marvel that so very flimsy and dubious an hypothesis could be accepted with the incredible credulity it has."
Author: Malcolm Muggeridge
33. "It was not easy to get to where I am. My challenge is to learn to deal with the jokes that are common among men that I heard and continue to hear sometimes among men."
Author: Maria Das Gracas Silva Foster
34. "I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny."
Author: Mark Russell
35. "I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes."
Author: Marshall Brickman
36. "I instantly like people who laugh at my jokes. It's a weakness of mine."
Author: Matthew Norman
37. "All of comedy at some level is trial-and-error, whether it's a stand-up trying out jokes or a comedy show trying stories."
Author: Michael Schur
38. "For starters, let's dispense with the cheap jokes about cannibalism. That means cracks about giving an arm and a leg - sorry - for a good book on the subject, or similar tasteless - sorry, again - attempts to make the subject more palatable - last one."
Author: Mitchell Zuckoff
39. "History doesn't start with a tall buildingand a card with your name written on it, but jokes do. I think someone is takingus for suckers and is playing a mean game."
Author: Nathan Reese Maher
40. "I can't crack jokes because I don't have any."
Author: Rene Redzepi
41. "I heard some interesting things about your performance up here.""I hear interesting things about your 'performance' all the time Doug, but you don't hear me making jokes about it."
Author: Richelle Mead
42. "You know what would help?" I asked, not meeting his eyes."Hmm?""If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down."Dimitri laughted. "Your worst class is history, yet somehow, you know everything about Eastern Europe.""Hey, gotta have material for my jokes, Comrade." Still smiling, he turned the radio dail. To a country station."Hey! This isn't what I had in mind," I exclaimed. I could tell he was on the verge of laughing again."Pick. It's one or the other."I sighed. "Go back to the 1980s stuff."He flipped the dail, and I crossed my arms over my chest as some vaguely European-sounding band sang about how video had killed the radio star. I wished someone would kill this radio."
Author: Richelle Mead
43. "My greatest regret as a writer is that I've never been able to include as many jokes as I'd like."
Author: Robert Harris
44. "Fat-bashing in all its varied forms–criticism, exclusion, shaming, fat talk, self-deprecation, jokes, gossip, bullying–is one of the last acceptable forms of prejudice. From a very young age, before they can walk away or defend themselves, women are taught that they are how they look, not what they do or what they know. (1)"
Author: Robyn Silverman
45. "That's how myths are born. Out of our carelessness, out of our tattered nerves, out of jokes that go wrong and flashy gestures."
Author: Sergei Lukyanenko
46. "I have 40 years of unpublished material, the ones they don't pick, and the reason I don't redraw them or use them again is that I like to use my brain every day and come up with new jokes."
Author: Sergio Aragones
47. "In the most basic terms it was about how when we experience art without critical awareness we consent to the ideas being promoted, either intentionally or unintentionally, by the filmmaker. For instance, if you watch a racist comedian and laugh at his jokes, you are consenting to the prejudices inherent within them. Similarly, if you watch a movie which perpetuates conventional ideas about race, gender, etc., you are consenting to them and not affecting change in any way."
Author: Simon Pegg
48. "What's that mean?" Eddie asked. "I hate it when you start up with your Zen Buddhist shit, Roland." "It means I don't know," Roland said. "Who is this man Zen Buddhist? Is he wise like me?" Eddie looked at Roland for a long, long time before deciding the gunslinger was making one of his rare jokes. "Ah, get outta here..."
Author: Stephen King
49. "You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers!"
Author: Tina Fey
50. "All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us."
Author: Yahoo Serious

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