Penis Quotes

1. "You're on a road show with your penis, and trust me, I'm the last person who wants to get in your way. But I'm telling you, operation occupy-my-vagina is a no-go for the evening."
Author: Addison Moore

2. "When we were in bed, the only part of me she touched was my penis, because it was the most detached."
Author: Anatole Broyard

3. "What is love anyway? From my new vantage point, I realize that love is nothing more than a messy conglomeration of need, desperation, fear of death and insecurity about penis size."
Author: Charlie Kaufman

4. "In fact, amid all the musical laments over not having a heart, a brain, or the nerve, did anyone notice that they didn't have a penis among them? I think it would have shown on the Lion and the Tin Man, and when the Scarecrow has his pants destuffed, you don't see a flying monkey waving an errant straw Johnson around anywhere, doI think I know what song I'd be singing: Oh, I would while away the hours, Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song, I'd be gilding all the lilies as I waved about my willie If I only had a schlong."
Author: Christopher Moore

5. "She said when a boy and a girl dog copulate, the head of the boy's penis swells and the vaginal muscles of the girl constrict. Even after sex, both dogs remain locked together, helpless and miserable for a brief period of time.The Mommy said this same scenario described most marriages."
Author: Chuck Palahniuk

6. "Me? Oh, intellectually I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say ‘shit!' in front of a lady."
Author: D.H. Lawrence

7. "Freud was the man who seeded a progeny of doctors interested in abnormal psychology. With the intellectual force of a battering ram, Freud penetrated deeply into the untouched and delicate flower that was psychosis. His strong, trunk-like stature as an analyst led to the cherry popping of many previously unthought theories on the mind. He also proved that people constantly think about sex even while not penis reading about it."
Author: Dan Wilbur

8. "I followed Peter heedlessly, or more specifically, my penis followed blindly."
Author: Dani Alexander

9. "That's what my penis is like: a beautiful, thorny rose."
Author: Dash Shaw

10. "John and I have made this stuff our hobby, in the way that an especially attractive prisoner makes a hobby out of not getting raped. Jesus, that's a terrible analogy. I apologize. What I'm saying is that it's self-preservation. We didn't choose this, we just have talents that makes us the equivalent of that new guy in the cell block who has a slim, hairless body and kind of looks like a woman from behind, and has an incredibly realistic tattoo of boobs on his back. He may have no desire at all to ever even touch a penis, but it's going to happen, even if it's just in the process of frantically slapping them away. Jesus, am I still talking about this? [John—please delete the above paragraph before it goes off to the publisher]."
Author: David Wong

11. "The power of the man, with a mind shut down. The strength of the super human. The survival of the species. The deafness of a beast. That's the power of the penis."
Author: Deborah Ainslie

12. "I hadn't spent so much time in bemused contemplation of a penis since I was sixteen or so, and here I was, preoccupied with three of the things."
Author: Diana Gabaldon

13. "Whoever believes physical size and tests of speed or strength have anything to do with a soccer player's prowess is sorely mistaken. Just as mistaken as those who believe that IQ tests have anything to do with talent or that there is a relationship between penis size and sexual pleasure. Good soccer players need not to be titans sculpted by Michelangelo. In soccer, ability is much more important than shape, and in many cases skill is the art of turning limitations into virtues."
Author: Eduardo Galeano

14. "Whatever influence Bullaro's normally cautious character might have exerted over the passions of his penis were now nonexistent, and he unhesitatingly followed her and quickly undressed."
Author: Gay Talese

15. "While the moral force of Judeo-Christian tradition and the law have sought to purify the penis, and to restrict its seed to the sanctified institution of matrimony, the penis is not by nature a monogamous organ. It knows no moral code. It was designed by nature for waste, it craves variety, and nothing less than castration will eliminate the allure of prostitution, fornication adultery, or pornography."
Author: Gay Talese

16. "Women are from Mars, men have a penis"
Author: Gene Simmons

17. "I know what the majority of you think about all this. All this sex and money and drugs. You think: people who live like that never end up happy. You need to think that in just the way men with small penises need to think size doesn't matter. It's understandable. The rich, the famous, the big-dicked, the slim-and-gorgeous - they can incite an envy so urgent that you can escape it only by translating it into pity. People who live like that never end up happy. Yes, you're right. But neither do you. And in the meantime, they've had all the sex and drugs and money."
Author: Glen Duncan

18. "So it was that my most impressionable years of boyhood were spent gazing at not a whale, but a whale's penis. Whenever I tired of strolling through the chill aisles of the aquarium, I'd steal off to my place on the bench of the high-ceilinged stillness of the exhibition room and spend hours on end there contemplating this whale's penis."
Author: Haruki Murakami

19. "I rooted through my pocketbook and did a fast paraphernalia inventory. I was carrying defense spray, which was a big no-no in a crowded mall. And I carried a stun gun, which on close examination turned out to need a new battery. My two pairs of cuffs were in working order, and I had an almost full can of hair spray. Okay, probably I wasn't the world's best-equipped bounty hunter. But then what did I really need to bring in an old guy with a nose that looked like a penis and a loser hot dog vendor?"
Author: Janet Evanovich

20. "She texted me telling me her mom was dying, so I did the right thing and texted her back a picture of my erect penis and said, "Let's start a new family.""
Author: Jarod Kintz

21. "I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside."
Author: Jarod Kintz

22. "My penis' name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with."
Author: Jarod Kintz

23. "A water fountain is a drinkable sculpture. I just drank one shaped like my father, and I can't wait to shoot him out of my penis, so I can abandon him like he did to me."
Author: Jarod Kintz

24. "My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis."
Author: Jarod Kintz

25. "My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous that Neil Armstrong annually rubs my face just to reminisce about his time on the moon. And my nose is so long that my penis is jealous. But enough about how handsome I am."
Author: Jarod Kintz

26. "This is Waldo Butters," I said. "And his geek penis is longer and harder than all of ours put together."
Author: Jim Butcher

27. "What do Americans know about morality? They don't want their presidents to have penises but they don't mind if their presidents covertly arrange to support the Nicaraguan rebel forces after Congress has restricted such aid; they don't want their presidents to deceive their wives but they don't mind if their presidents deceive Congress- lie to the people and violate the people's constitution!"
Author: John Irving

28. "The character I'm playing in the film is this driven, workaholic lawyer who has never lost a case. When I'm playing him . . ." He paused, his voice softening. Somehow they were now standing just inches apart. "I think of you." When their eyes met, Jason grinned and added, "With a penis."
Author: Julie James

29. "I think we need a little more rallying around the dumpee. If you were a woman and I'd told you that the third guy in eighteen months had broken up with me, right now we'd be drinking lemon drop martinis and giving each other female empowerment pep talks about how we don't need a man in our lives to feel complete. And then we'd watch The Notebook and drool over Ryan Gosling.""Sorry, babe. But when they handed out best friends you drew the straw with a penis attached. That means no Ryan Gosling."
Author: Julie James

30. "One theory on cannibals, of course, is that they eat parts of their slain enemies to benefit from that person's greatest assets - their strength, their courage. Then there's that thing they do in Germany. You heard about that, didn't you? Some man over there agreed to let another man cut off his penis, cook it, then feed it to him – now, what in hell was that all about? What did he think the taste of his stir-fried cock would tell him about himself? Was he seeking to wring one last drop of pleasure out of the thing? (Goodness, that's an unnecessarily vivid metaphor.) But somehow – I said this over dinner – this steak with beef marrow sauce, it didn't seem that different. "It's like eating life. It's almost like eating my own life, you know?"No, not really. But it's a hell of a good steak, sis."
Author: Julie Powell

31. "Texts between Dr. Stayner & Livie(with a little help from Kacey)Dr. Stayner: Tell me you did one out-of-character thing last nightLivie: I drank enough Jell-O shots to fill a small pool, and then proceeded to break out every terrible dance move known to mankind. I am now the proud owner of a tattoo and if I didn't have a video to prove otherwise, I'd believe I had it done in a back alley with hepatitis-laced needles. Satisfied?Dr. Stayner: That's a good start. Did you talk to a guy?Kacey(answering for Livie): Not only did I talk to a guy but I've now seen two penises, including the one attached to the naked man in my room this morning when I woke up. I have pictures. Would you like to see one?Dr. Stayner: Glad you're making friends. Talk to you on Saturday"
Author: K.A. Tucker

32. "Sloppy, Mega," I mutter. I still can't see. I wipe my bloody nose on my sleeve and reach out to feel what I hit."That's my dick," Ryodan says. I snatch my hand away. "Gah!" I choke out. I can feel my face again—because, like, it's going up in flames. What kind of universe makes me reach out at exactly that fecking level to feel what I think is a wall and puts my hand on a penis?Then I remember this is Ryodan and scowl. "You did that on purpose!" I accuse. "You saw my hand go out and you stepped right into it!" "I'd do that why, kid?"
Author: Karen Marie Moning

33. "You do know you're a woman, right?" I ask."Are you sure?" Olivia asks with an astonished face. "I thought I had a penis."
Author: Katelin LaMontagne

34. "You want to …?" His other eye popped open as I started to slide down his body, intent on exploring that part of him which had given me so much pleasure. He grabbed me before I was able to move four inches. I looked up, worried that I had done something wrong. A familiar strained, tense look was on his face, his eyes screwed up tight. I looked down at his penis. It was no longer in a resting state. "I thought you were sated?"I was. Until you went and mentioned doing that to me. No! Don't touch me there, woman! For the love of – grk!"A half hour later, Gabriel, his arm wrapped around me because my legs were unusually weak, hustled me toward the house with a grim look on his face.I will beat this," he muttered. "I am a wyvern, I am strong. I will control my needs long enough to give you pleasure, and you will enjoy it, dammit!"I said nothing, but I smiled. A lot. [May and Gabriel, pg. 307]"
Author: Katie MacAlister

35. "The quarterback? Wow. My mom wouldn't let me stand in the same checkout line as a high school senior. She's so lame.She's not lame.She thinks eighteen year old boys are dangerous. She calls them penises with hands and feet. Tell me that isn't lame."
Author: Kristin Hannah

36. "I want to roll my eyes, but I'm pretty soon they're going to get stuck in the back of my head, and penis puns are really not worth my permanent facial damage."
Author: Lauren Morrill

37. "It's hard to have a serious conversation with you when you're wearin' lighted cocks on your head."AJ defiantly thrust out her chin and the penises bobbled. "We aren't having a conversation. You're give me tough-guy attitude. If you won't acknowledge me in public, you don't have the right to chastise me for anything I do in public or in private. And now you lost the right to do anything to me in private either, bucko.""Quit bein' so goddamm childish."Her eyes narrowed to silver slits. "Quit bein' such a goddamn dickhead.""You're the one with dicks on your head, baby doll.""Yeah? I can take mine off any old time I please, but you wear your dickhead like a second skin. Or should I say as a second foreskin?"
Author: Lorelei James

38. "Well it seems the cause of some of my problems happens to have a penis. Well, two actually.""Oh sweet Mary! You're dating a guy with two dicks.""Ginger, no! It's about two different guys.""Oh," she says, obviously disappointed. "Damn. That woulda been kinda cool.""How so?""I don't know. One for each hole?""You're sick, you know that?""Yeah pretty much."
Author: M. Leighton

39. "She looks at Sam. 'Close your ears if you don't want to know what I suspect to be the sex of your child,' she says, and he blocks his ears.'It's Sam's?' Jonesey asks, surprised, just as he gets a message.'Where have you been, Jonesey?' Bernadette says. 'In La La Land?''Contrary to popular belief, I think it has no penis,' Georgie whispers to them while Lucia covers Sam's ears.Jonesey looks up from his text messaging, shocked. 'Poor little guy."
Author: Melina Marchetta

40. "On Christmas. "Santa Claus represents God on assistance," said Clyde."Santa Claus is a negative-idealed god, the pagan god of material worship," Leon stated. "Christmas means the rebirth, regeneration. Some people have Christmas every day. The Christmas tree stands up and either the wife trims it or they trim it together with righteous-idealed sexual intercourse. Or the husband prays to God through his Christmas tree and trims his bodily Christmas tree. Christ-mast; the mast of Christ, the upstanding penis—that's what it means to me.""Santa Claus is a good symbolization for Christmas," said Joseph. "Department stores, shopping, the coming of the New Year. Christmas means better business in the stores."
Author: Milton Rokeach

41. "Women never bought Freud's idea of penis envy: who would want a shotgun when you can have an automatic?"
Author: Natalie Angier

42. "My dad had once told me, crimson-red deep in "the talk," that with sons, all he had to worry about was one penis, but with a daughter, he had to worry about everyone else's."
Author: Nicole Williams

43. "You're the champion, I reminded myself. You have to fight a dragon. You're not allowed to be scared of a penis."
Author: Nicole Peeler

44. "He held up the AK-47, the muscles in his arm bunching against the weight. "This is an assault rifle." Then held up the handgun. "This is a semi-automatic pistol." Then he gave a little thrust of his hips and looked down at his penis. "That is my gun. As you've discovered, it's pumpaction like a shotgun , but it doesn't fire bullets."
Author: Pamela Clare

45. "He has a light, fumbling brutality, which several times makes me think that this time it'll cost me my sanity. In our dawning, mutual intimacy, I induce him to open the little slit in the head of his penis so I can put my clitoris inside and fuck him."
Author: Peter Høeg

46. "Listen: I don't have anything against autobiographies, so long as the writer has a penis that's twelve inches long when erect. So long as the writer is a woman who was once a whore and is moderately wealthy in her old age."
Author: Roberto Bolaño

47. "Pride starts with the penis."
Author: Rodney Ross

48. "I am plenty romantic. Just this morning while he slept, I had left Carter a box of his favorite candy next to his pillow - Globs: piles of white chocolate covered, crushed potato chips and pretzels drizzled with caramel. I figured it would soften him up to the note I placed next to the box telling him if he left the toilet seat up one more time and my ass got an involuntary bath at six in the morning, I would put super glue on the head of his penis while he slept. I had even signed the note with a couple of Xs and Os. Who says romance is dead?"
Author: Tara Sivec

49. "Unii ar zice ca Scorpionii sunt obsedati de sex. Dar nu penisul, ci inima mi-e organul cel mai neascultator: bate pentru altii."
Author: Teodor Burnar

50. "Tallow turned the corner into Bat and Scarly's office to be greeted by a large plastic robot on the bench waving its arms and shouting, "Say hello to my l'il frien'" in an electronically processed voiced as a small plastic penis repeatedly jabbed out from its groin on a short metal piston.Bat emerged from behind the thing. "Don't judge me," he said. "I got bored."
Author: Warren Ellis

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