Retard Quotes

1. "My boyfriend calls me 'princess', but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retard'."
Author: Alicia Silverstone

2. "You do like me, don't you? Even though I'm apparently communicatively handicapped and socially retarded?"
Author: Amy Lane

3. "The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons."
Author: Augusten Burroughs

4. "Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!"
Author: Bill Hicks

5. "I have a rule of thumb that allows me to judge, when times is pressing and one needs to make a snap judgment, whether or not some sexist bullshit is afoot. Obviously, it's not 100% infallible but by and large it definitely points you in the right direction and it's asking this question; are the men doing it? Are the men worrying about this as well? Is this taking up the men's time? Are the men told not to do this, as it's letting the side down? Are the men having to write bloody books about this exasperating retarded, time-wasting, bullshit? Is this making Jeremy Clarkson feel insecure?Almost always the answer is no. The boys are not being told they have to be a certain way, they are just getting on with stuff."
Author: Caitlin Moran

6. "- Ça a l'air important pour toi.- Ça l'est.- Pourquoi ?C'était bien une question de démon. Pourquoi est-ce que j'ai pas le droit d'étriper les bébés alors qu'il y a un problème de surnatalité ? Pourquoi est-ce que je ne pourrais pas faire dérailler ce train, il est toujours en retard de toute façon ? Pourquoi est-ce que je ne pourrais pas m'amuser à déclencher une guerre alors que je m'ennuie et qu'il n'y a rien à la télé ?"
Author: Cassandra O'Donnell

7. "I've noticed that you are retarded, Dr. Phil."
Author: Christy Leigh Stewart

8. "The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping."
Author: Christy Leigh Stewart

9. "They [dolphins] are my least favorite member of the animal kingdom. Everyone seems to think dolphins are cute and "intelligent," but they're best described as ugly and impractical. I don't want to come across as insensitive, but show me a person whose intelligence equates to that of a dolphin and I will show you a fucking retard."
Author: Chuck Klosterman

10. "When you're dead probably not even homeless people and retarded people will want to trade you places."
Author: Chuck Palahniuk

11. "For me, my discomfort with gay weddings was articulated by a close friend, who observed that gay people getting married is like retarded people getting together to give each other PhDs. It doesn't make them smarter, and it doesn't make us married."
Author: Dan Savage

12. "I'm going to join that dating agency it's going to open me up to new people; widen my horizons''you mean lower your standards and get you dating retards!"
Author: Eleanor Prescott

13. "Put it down in capital letters: SELF-DEVELOPMENT IS A HIGHER DUTY THAN SELF-SACRIFICE. The thing that most retards and militates against women's self development is self-sacrifice."
Author: Elizabeth Cady Stanton

14. "Unto my Books-so good to turn-Far ends of tired Days-It half endears the Abstinence-And Pain-is missed-in Praise-As Flavors-cheer Retarded GuestsWith Banquettings to be-So Spices-stimulate the timeTill my small Library-It may be Wilderness-without-Far feet of failing Men-But Holiday-excludes the night-And it is Bells-within-I thank these Kinsmen of the Shelf-Their Countenances KidEnamor-in Prospective-And satisfy-obtained-"
Author: Emily Dickinson

15. "My scratching I don't really think communicates to intelligent life forms. Anyone with more than one brain cell would think Kid Koala music is completely retarded."
Author: Eric San

16. "It's amazing how people can sound like retards when they're talking to their girlfriend, especially if they really love her a lot. Because when you're just fucking someone you make a point of keeping your cool, but when you're really in love - it can sound pretty repulsive."
Author: Etgar Keret

17. "I'm retarded - I mean I'm retired."
Author: Frank Serpico

18. "There was endless controversy as to whether the acts of the New Deal did actually move recovery or retard it, and nothing final could ever come of that bitter debate because it is forever impossible to prove what might have happened in place of what did."
Author: Garet Garrett

19. "Indolence, interruption, business, and pleasure; all take their turns of retardation….Perhaps no extensive and multifarious performance, said Sib, was ever effected within the term originally fixed in the undertaker's mind. He that runs against Time, has an antagonist not subject to casualities."
Author: Helen DeWitt

20. "A lie carries a weight that is exponentially higher than the truth. It's weight will retard growth directly in proportion to the area lied."
Author: Howard L. Salter

21. "The keystone of successful business is cooperation. Friction retards progress."
Author: James Cash Penney

22. "The novice in the military art flew from point to point, retarding his own preparations by the excess of his violent and somewhat distempered zeal; while the more practiced veteran made his arrangements with a deliberation that scorned every appearance of haste"
Author: James Fenimore Cooper

23. "I seriously believe that you will retard the course of civilisation in Ireland by preventing the Irish people from having one good look at themselves in my nicely polished looking glass."
Author: James Joyce

24. "4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded?"
Author: Jarod Kintz

25. "In English sometimes they call a mentally disabled person a retard, and there is a kind of accidental poetry in naming a human being with this quality of latency or absence, like a clock left behind in an empty room, a page someone forgot to rip out of a calendar, the walking embodiment of jet lag."
Author: Jean Christophe Valtat

26. "The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone."
Author: Joe Rogan

27. "The same teen who can't legally operate a four-wheeler, or [ATV]...in a farm lane workplace environment can operate a jacked-up F-250 pickup on a crowded urban expressway. By denying these [farm work] opportunities to bring value to their own lives and the community around them, we've relegated our young adults to teenage foolishness. Then as a culture we walk around shaking our heads in bewilderment at these young people with retarded maturity. Never in life do people have as much energy as in their teens, and to criminalize leveraging it is certainly one of our nation's greatest resource blunders."
Author: Joel Salatin

28. "From 20 years of experience hiring artists out of the schools, I know-they get worse every year. They're absolutely ridiculously retarded now."
Author: John Kricfalusi

29. "For even more "sizzle," instead of simply leading the goats out to graze as we usually did, I raced out in front of them, hollering an improvisational goat call that made me sound like a yodeling hillbilly. I turned back toward the barn and aw that the goats had stayed back, huddled together in fear in the barn doorway. They obviously preferred to skip dinner rather than get too close to the retard scarecrow suffering a grand mal seizure.~The Bocolic Plauge, by Josh Kilmer-Purcell (2010), P. 214-215"
Author: Josh Kilmer Purcell

30. "That does not surprise me,' Annie said and once again hung up the phone thinking that she had chosen to surround herself with people who were, for lack of a better term, retarded."
Author: Kevin Wilson

31. "Though science makes no use for poetry, poetry is enriched by science. Poetry "takes up" the scientific vision and re-expresses its truths, but always in forms which compel us to look beyond them to the total object which is telling its own story and standing in its own rights. In this the poet and the philosopher are one. Using language as the lever, they lift thought above the levels where words perplex and retard its flight, and leave it, at last, standing face to face with the object which reveals itself."
Author: L.P. Jacks

32. "The attempt of Lavoisier to reform chemical nomenclature is premature. One single experiment may destroy the whole filiation of his terms; and his string of sulphates, sulphites, and sulphures, may have served no end than to have retarded the progress of science by a jargon, from the confusion of which time will be requisite to extricate us."
Author: Lavoisier

33. "All you had to say was, 'I am a writer,' and you became one. You didn't even have to write anything. You could just sit in a coffee shop with a notebook and stare into space, with a slightly bemused look on your face, judging the weight of the world with a jaundiced eye. As you can see, you can be completely full of shit and still be a writer...I also thought it was going to be a great way to meet girls, but it wasn't--probably because as I was staring into space, I no doubt looked mildly retarded. You see, I wanted to write plays, which in retrospect is a lot harder than learning Mandarin, I think. How I ended up in this delusional state shall be saved for another time."
Author: Lewis Black

34. "I love you!" he shouted, his eyes glowing laser green."I love you, okay? I'm not some hopeless retard you pull along behind you because you feel sorry for him! I love you and I'm going to prove it!"
Author: Lili St. Crow

35. "They drummed into you that pain was good, you were supposed to go with it, push into the pain, and only... now... did I contemplate what retarded advice this was."
Author: Lionel Shriver

36. "Surveillance induced morality: relics of cultural retardation."
Author: Marc Maron

37. "Comedians in their infancy are generally selfish, irresponsible, emotionally retarded, morally dubious, substance-addicted animals who live out of boxes and milk crates. They are plagued with feelings of failure and fraudulence. They are prone to fleeting fits of manic grandiosity and are completely dependent on the acceptance and approval of rooms full of strangers, strangers the comedian resents until he feels sufficiently loved and embraced.Perhaps I am only speaking for myself here."
Author: Marc Maron

38. "I'm going away anyway. I am. Do you hear me? I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I am not, I'm not retarded. I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I am not, I'm not retarded. There's nothing wrong with my brain. Do you know what the Teacher Ghosts say about me? They tell me I'm smart, and I can win scholarships. I can get into colleges. I've already applied. I'm smart. I can do all sorts of things. I know how to get A's, and they say I could be a scientist or a mathematician if I want. I can make a living and take care of myself. So you don't have to find me a keeper who's too dumb to know a bad bargain. I'm so smart, if they say write ten pages, I can write fifteen. I can do ghost things even better than ghosts can. Not everyone thinks I'm nothing. I am not going to be a slave or a wife. Even if I am stupid and talk funny amd get sick, I won't let you turn me into a slave or a wife. I'm getting out of here. I can't stand living here anyore. It's your fault I talk weird."
Author: Maxine Hong Kingston

39. "I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I'm not, I'm not retarded."
Author: Maxine Hong Kingston

40. "You're like the little mentally retarded sister I never had"
Author: Meg Cabot

41. "Well," I said. "I could strip off my clothes and reveal to you that under my jeans and sweatshirt I'm actually wearing a tank top and short-shorts, much like Lara Croft from Tomb Raider... only mine are flame-retardant and covered in glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers."No one stirred. Not even Christopher, who actually has a thing for Lara Croft. "I know what you're thinking," I went on. "Glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers are SO last year. But I think they add a certain je ne sais quoi to the whole ensemble. It's true, short-shorts are uncomfortable under jeans and hard to get off in the ladies' room, but they make the twin thigh-holsters in which I hold my high-caliber pistols so easy to get to...."The oven timer dinged. "Thank you, Em," Mr. Greer said, yawning. "That was very persuasive."
Author: Meg Cabot

42. "My best day ever. Got up. Had breakfast. Came to school. Bored, as usual. Wishing I wasn't there, like usual. Kids ignoring me, suits me fine. Sitting with the other retards—we're so special. Wasting my time. Yesterday was the same, and it's gone, anyway. Tomorrow may never come. There is only today. This is the best day and the worst day. Actually it's crap."
Author: Rachel Ward

43. "I don't know how this company got the name National Shakespeare Company, because it was literally like retards employing retards."
Author: Rob Corddry

44. "We all know that any thing which retards in any way the free circulation of the sap, also prevents to a certain extent the formation of wood and leaves."
Author: Robert Fortune

45. "Don't waste yer' breath kid. Explainin' anything to that one? It's like tryin' ta' slap the dumb off a retard... -George Foster"
Author: Shawn Durnin

46. "Fuck, she was so sick of herself-herself and her fucking emotional retardation. How did people do this shit all the time, this wanting people, caring about them? How did they stand it, how did they ever get anything done? She was sick of being lost."
Author: Stacia Kane

47. "Lay:"Wow that was bad"Trip:"I'll show you bad"Lay: "Stop talking, you retard! Just take off your damned pants already!"Trip: "I'll show you retard"
Author: T. Torrest

48. "Le parti national-socialiste avait fait un fameux cadeau à ces SS-là : ils pouvaient marcher au combat sans aucun risque physique, décrocher les honneurs sans avoir à entendre siffler les balles. L'impunité psychologique était plus difficile à atteindre. Tous les officiers SS avaient des camarades qui s'étaient suicidés. Le haut commandment avait pondu des circulaires pour dénoncer ces pertes futiles : il fallait être simple d'esprit pour croire que les juifs, parce qu'ils n'avaient pas de fusils, ne possédaient pas d'armes d'un autre calibre : des armes sociales, économiques et politiques. En fait, le juif était armé jusqu'aux dents. Trempez votre caractère dans l'acier, soulignaient les circulaires, car l'enfant juif est une bombe à retardement culturelle, la femme juive, un tissu biologique de toutes les trahisons, le mâle juif, un ennemi plus implacable encore qu'aucun Russe ne saurait l'être. (ch. 20)"
Author: Thomas Keneally

49. "If we are lucky, they were never retarded enough to create computer viruses and will have no such things as firewalls and security like we have. If they have never experienced a full blown computer failure we'll introduce them to the concept"
Author: Thomas Wilson

50. "He knows, as all the cleverest ones do, that no human being is so interesting that he can't make himself more interesting still by acting retarded at random intervals."
Author: Walter Kirn

Retard Quotes Pictures