Top Toilet Quotes

Browse top 300 famous quotes and sayings about Toilet by most favorite authors.

Favorite Toilet Quotes

1. "He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat."
Author: Adam Rex
2. "He also remembered a comedy he had read in his youth called "The Deluge", which claimed the next great flood would be caused not by water from the heavens but by the backing up and over flowing of all the toilets, latrines, cesspools and septic tanks in the world which would start chucking up their contents relentlessly until we all drowned in our own shit."
Author: Andrea Camilleri
3. "I'm out of tissues for toilet paper too. History notes just aren't....up to scratch"
Author: Andrea K. Höst
4. "Is there some kind of rule for when Sam should be a boy and when he's a Wolf?""A Wolf lifts his leg and yellows up the snow. A boy has to use the toilet.""And that will work?""Only if he needs to pee."
Author: Anne Bishop
5. "A gal who wants to powder her nose should have enough toilet tissue in hand."
Author: Anyaele Sam Chiyson
6. "The train resembles the Soviet type and is quite comfortable, but all socialist structures I have ever encountered have toilets stemming from a single model engineered by the Orthodox Church in Tsarist Russia to ensure that man never be allowed to forget the corruption of the flesh."
Author: Arthur Miller
7. "It's funny: I put money into short films, and I put really good actors in it, and I write some stuff that's really funny, and I'll get, like, a million views. But to the right of me, there will be a video of a kitten that falls into a toilet bowl, and it's three seconds long, and it will get 25 million views."
Author: Ben Schwartz
8. "France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you can't tear the toilet paper."
Author: Billy Wilder
9. "With you I'm jealous of what is obscure, unconscious, of something in which explanations are unthinkable, of something that cannot be puzzled out. I'm jealous of your toilet things, of the drops of sweat on your skin, of the infectious diseases borne on the air, which may affect you and poison your blood."
Author: Boris Pasternak
10. "Goddamn. what is this shit?early times, called j-bone. best little old drink they is. drink that and you wont feel a thing the next mornin.or any morning.whoo lord, give it here. hello early, come to your old, pour some of it in this cup and let me cut it with coca-cola.can't do it, bud.why not?we done tried it. it eats the bottom it suttree. don't spill none on your shoeslord honey i know they make that old splo in the bathtub but this here is made in the toilet. he was looking at the bottle, shaking it. bubbles the size of gooseshot veered greasily up through the smoky fuel it held.the last time i drank some of that shit i like to died. i stunk from the inside out. i laid in a tub of hot water all day and climbed out and dried and you could still smell it. i had to burn my clothes.early times, he called. make your liver quiver.(page 26)"
Author: Cormac McCarthy
11. "Any outfit that can't figure out clean toilets and decent theming on its own can't benefit from my advice."
Author: Cory Doctorow
12. "Humankind made these religions; that our brains are capable of doing that is neither something to take too seriously — because we also make poop, and we learned to flush that the fuck down the toilet — but it's also not something to totally disregard."
Author: Dan Harmon
13. "Parce que le mot à leurs yeux ne devient vraiment gros que lorsqu'on l'écrit, on s'en "branle" à l'oral, on s'en "bat les couilles à longueur de journée, on "nique ta mère" à tire larigot. Mais trouver le mot "couille" ou le verbe "branler" et "niquer" noir sur blanc, dans un livre, quand leur place est sur les murs des toilettes, alors ça..."
Author: Daniel Pennac
14. "We should fall in love. Love each other enough to shit at the same time on the same toilet."
Author: Darnell Lamont Walker
15. "So how did it go? I sat on the toilet and ran a hand over my hair. Um... it's still going, I whispered.It's still going? Then what are you doing calling me?Well... it's just that...What?How could I put this? I can't find his penis.Claire paused for half a second. How drunk are you?"
Author: Denise Grover Swank
16. "Something genuine like a mark in a toilet, graced with guts and gutted with grace"
Author: E.E. Cummings
17. "The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet."
Author: Eoin Colfer
18. "I remember one time I heard this English professor asking the class what the world's scariest noise is. Is it a man crying out in pain? A woman's scream of terror? A gunshot? A baby crying? And the professor shakes his head and says, 'No, the scariest noise is, you're all alone in your dark house, you know you're all alone, you know that there is no chance anyone else is home or within miles—and then, suddenly, from upstairs, you hear the toilet flush."
Author: Harlan Coben
19. "The sixth grade seemed to please him from the beginning: he went through a brief Egyptian Period that baffled me - he tried to walk flat a great deal, sticking one arm in front of him and one in back of him, putting one foot behind the other. He declared Egyptians walked that way; I said if they did I didn't see how they got anything done, but Jem said they accomplished more than the Americans ever did, they invented toilet paper and perpetual embalming, and asked where would we be today if they hadn't? Atticus told me to delete the adjectives and I'd have the facts. ~Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chapter 7"
Author: Harper Lee
20. "You haven't seen Ron or Hermione, have you?" said Harry. "No, I haven't," said Percy, his smile fading. "I hope Ron's not in another girls' toilet."
Author: J.K. Rowling
21. "Its okay Ginny. Don't be upset. We'll send you a toilet seat or something. Fred and George said to Ginny"
Author: J.K. Rowling
22. "Don't get married in a house where there is no toilet."
Author: Jairam Ramesh
23. "Whether you call it Attachment Parenting, natural parenting, or simple maternal instincts, this false "return" to traditional parenting is just a more explicit and deliberate version of the often unnamed parenting gender divide. Whether you're wearing you baby or not, whether you're using cloth diapers or teaching your four-week-old to use the toilet; it's still women who are doing the bulk of child care, no matter what the parenting philosophy. Putting a fancy name to the fact that we're still doing all the goddamn work doesn't make it any less sexist or unfair"
Author: Jessica Valenti
24. "A cat is the only domestic animal I know who toilet trains itself and does a damned impressive job of it."
Author: Joseph Epstein
25. "Mrs. Spence picks up a roll of toilet paper from the counter and scrunches her nose."Ask Caymen about that," Xander says.Great, now I have to explain to his mother about my vandalism? "Your son called me with a toilet paper emergency. I rushed right over."She looks confused so Xander says, "She's kidding, Mom."
Author: Kasie West
26. "Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk."
Author: Kevin Hearne
27. "Everyone absolutely knows what a strawberry tastes like, even if you are allergic to them. Everyone absolutely knows what the toilet flushing sounds like. Everyone absolutely scratches their mosquito bites. And I know that I was absolutely ready to die. This wasn't a cry for help. I didn't want to be saved. I was ready to call it quits. Done. Terminado."
Author: Kimberly Russell
28. "You're the man who stands on the street corner with a roll of toilet paper, and written on each square are the words, 'I love you.' And each passer-by, no matter who, gets a square all his or her own. I don't want my square of toilet paper.'I didn't realize it was toilet paper."
Author: Kurt Vonnegut
29. "Dead girl walking" the boys say in the halls."Tell us your secrets" the girls whisper, one toilet to another. "I am that girl. I am the spaces between my thighs, daylight shinning through. I am the bones they want, wired on a porcelain frame."
Author: Laurie Halse Anderson
30. "In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet."
Author: Les Dawson
31. "Today, the degradation of the inner life is symbolized by the fact that the only place sacred from interruption is the private toilet."
Author: Lewis Mumford
32. "And it makes you wonder—how can a people incapable of selecting their own lightbulbs and toilets possess enough competence to vote for their own rulers and fill out complicated tax returns?"
Author: Mark R. Levin
33. "Je coulais un regard à George à moitié nu avec sa serviette de toilette puis à Barckley complètement nu avec son... Rien. Un vampire et un loup-garou. Je secouai la tête. C'était pourtant évident:j'avais encore fait l'un de ses rêves où j'étais Anita Blake"
Author: Michelle Rowen
34. "We were called The Toilets originally - we were flushed with success."
Author: Mike Peters
35. "His way of coping with the days was to think of activities as units of time, each unit consisting of about thirty minutes. Whole hours, he found, were more intimidating, and most things one could do in a day took half an hour. Reading the paper, having a bath, tidying the flat, watching Home and Away and Countdown, doing a quick crossword on the toilet, eating breakfast and lunch, going to the local shops… That was nine units of a twenty-unit day (the evenings didn't count) filled by just the basic necessities. In fact, he had reached a stage where he wondered how his friends could juggle life and a job. Life took up so much time, so how could one work and, say, take a bath on the same day? He suspected that one or two people he knew were making some pretty unsavoury short cuts."
Author: Nick Hornby
36. "And I have this little litany of things they can do. And the first one, of course, is to write - every day, no excuses. It's so easy to make excuses. Even professional writers have days when they'd rather clean the toilet than do the writing."
Author: Octavia Butler
37. "You act like getting pregnant is a disease you can catch from public toilets."
Author: Rainbow Rowell
38. "Make it easier for your citizens to be healthy and smart and they will save you in ways you have yet to imagine. Make it difficult and your nation will swirl history's toilet on its way to hell."
Author: Rob Delaney
39. "Snap judgments? I'd gotten over those about the time I was toilet trained. Swore off diapers and faith in the human experience all in one week."
Author: Rob Thurman
40. "I talk about freedom from the Rat Race, and they focus on toilets. That is the thought pattern that keeps most people poor. They criticize instead of analyze."
Author: Robert T. Kiyosaki
41. "But don't ever let yourself forget that the person you care about fills an emptiness no one else ever has and that while life with them can seriously suck at times, thosemoments when it doesn't are worth all the aggravation of falling into the toilet and getting soaked when you're half asleep."
Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
42. "Is there a phone I can use? (Talon)In the kitchen. (Sunshine)Could you please bring it to me? (Talon)It's not cordless. I always lose those things or I drop them someplace and break them. The last one I had ended up drowning in the toilet. (Sunshine)"
Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon
43. "He can't recognize when his own body needs to go to the toilet, but he notices the first night in fifty years his wife is not sleeping beside him."Rupa shakes her head. "I don't quite understand it, but that is a powerful love."
Author: Shilpi Somaya Gowda
44. "Wow, Carter. You've got a HUGE wiener."Suddenly, Gavin being in the bathroom with me didn't seem so bad. If only he could have been in thebathroom with me in eighth grade and passed that little tidbit around for Penny Frankles to hear, I mightnot have gone to the eight grade graduation dance solo.I finished pissing, zipped up my pants and flushed the toilet, all while trying not to pat myself on theback. Yeah, I had a huge wiener. You bet your sweet ass I did. I almost needed a wheelbarrow to carry itaround. And because a toddler said it, it must have been true.We got back to the table and I couldn't keep the shit-eating grin off of my face."
Author: Tara Sivec
45. "You know you've got problems when your head is hanging over the toilet, puking up your dinner, and what you're thinking of is your dad. And how he thinks you're not pretty."
Author: Teresa Lo
46. "New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature."
Author: Thomas Jefferson
47. "This is one of the weird things about motherhood. You can predict that some of your best moments will happen around the toilet at six am while you're holding a pile of fingernail clipping like a Santeria priestess."
Author: Tina Fey
48. "Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!"
Author: Tommy Cooper
49. "Honouring the youth of their town they provided a décor that a £20-a-Martini fleecing parlour could not have amortized. They had bought eighty low Alvar Aalto stools for the alcove and coctail bar seating. Also, twenty tall numbers in the same bent bleach wood classic style. Extremely expensive and brought in from Finland at equally great expense.And in the first twelve months, ninety percent had disappeared. Compared to the catastrophic damage done every other week to one of the toilets just off the main dance floor --the level of masonry demolition going deep into the floor implied the use of a full-sized pneumatic drill-- the loss of a bunch of stools was incidental.The fact that thirty-two then turned up in New Order's rehearsal room was therefore coincidental. If you couldn't join in the public in stealing from your own club, what was the point of opening it?"
Author: Tony Wilson
50. "Sometimes, to relieve stress, he would soak his feet in the toilet, a practice that was not as soothing for his collegues."
Author: Walter Isaacson

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Dualism... Without it there can hardly be good literature. With it, there most certainly can be no good life."
Author: Aldous Huxley

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