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Top Shalom Auslander Quotes

Browse top 34 most favorite famous quotes and sayings by Shalom Auslander.

Favorite Shalom Auslander Quotes

1. "Remember your grandfather's last words, Jonah would tell his children: Life is nothing more than a little why." ~ Shalom Auslander
2. "What's the harm in forgetting? What does remembering do? Kugel had read that the war in the Balkans was referred to as the War of the Grandmothers; that after 50 years of peace, it was the grandmothers who reminded their offspring to hate each other, the grandmothers who reminded them of past atrocities, of indignities long gone. Never forget! shouted the grandmothers. So their grandchildren remembered, and their grandchildren died." ~ Shalom Auslander
3. "He imagined the scene at the gates of heaven to be not unlike that at the finish line of a long and grueling marathon: everyone high-fiving, hugging, collapsing, elated that it's over, yes, it's finally over, pouring cups of water over one another's heads and saying, Holy shit, dude, that was fucking brutal. I am never doing that again." ~ Shalom Auslander
4. "Kugel was a firm believer that death was not always a bad thing - that life often reached such levels of crapitude that dying was preferable to living." ~ Shalom Auslander
5. "You never see a lion crucifyng another lion. You never see a bear just randomly murdering salmon for anything besides food; bears don't form armies, invade rivers, tear the heads off male salmon, rape the female salmon, and enslave their salmon children.It is finished, to Kugel, sounded a hell of a lot like Fuck all of you motherfuckers." ~ Shalom Auslander
6. "Hiding from genocide inside a Jew's attic, thought Kugel, is like hiding from a lion inside a gazelle." ~ Shalom Auslander
7. "I moved a pillow aside... preferring the joyful company of the delusional to the miserable company of the sane." ~ Shalom Auslander
8. "Kugel awoke early the next morning, turning his face from the harsh rays of intruding sunlight that stretched across the room like some goddamned thing that stretches across some other goddamned thing.Why did children always draw the sun smiling? he wondered. It's a giant ball of fire, kids. It's rage and fury. Whatever it's doing, it isn't fucking smiling." ~ Shalom Auslander
9. "Stop expecting more from us than we can possibly provide, and you'll stop being so disappointed." ~ Shalom Auslander
10. "Every Jew was the last Jew; Tevye the Terminal, every single one. Yet, Kugel couldn't help but observe, in all that time - no last Jew. There had been a last Assyrian. There had been a last Ammonite. There had been a last Babylonian, a last Mesopotamian, a last of the Mohicans. But no last Jew." ~ Shalom Auslander
11. "Just move the train, for fuck's sake, she's not getting any deader." ~ Shalom Auslander
12. "It couldn't be an all-bad world, could it, not with birds who warble and call? Maybe that was the secret - to find the few things that made life just a fraction better, and to focus on those. Bird warbles. Peach fuzz. Puppies barking as if they're full grown dogs. Nothing great, certainly nothing to justify the rest of it, but enough to keep you going." ~ Shalom Auslander
13. "This, said Mother, as she handed him a piece of dry, tasteless matzoh, is the bread of our affliction. Where, young Kugel wondered, is the seven-layer cake of our salvation? Where is the muffin of our mirth? Where is our no-longer-reduced-to-jelly doughnut?" ~ Shalom Auslander
14. "… It was the knowing that there had been a happier time, a place of joy and peace and security, that made the sudden absence of it all so agonizing… Not the agony of what was, but the agony of what was no longer; this was the source of all life's pain--not the fear of a hell to come, but rather the knowledge of an Eden that is no more. Hell isn't the punishment… Eden was." ~ Shalom Auslander
15. "My point is that death is more tragic than life, than any life, because every life has hope of some kind." ~ Shalom Auslander
16. "Ich verbrachte meine ersten Monate im Heiligen Land meiner Stammväter damit, mich zu betrinken und eine Grasquellen zu suchen. Die Israelis verkauften Gras, hieß es, die Araber Haschisch; ich sah keinerlei Hoffnung für den Nahen Osten, wenn sie sich nicht einmal einigen konnten, wovon sie high werden wollten. Die Studenten der Hebräischen Universität standen eher auf Pilze, und wenn man entsprechend drauf war, gab es immer noch Haifa, ein zentrales Verteilungszentrum des internationalen Heroinhandels. Und ich hatte immer nur von Milch und Honig geträumt." ~ Shalom Auslander
17. "Roads are no place for naive chickens dreaming of nirvana." ~ Shalom Auslander
18. "So desperate was Kugel for things to turn out for the best, proclaimed Professor Jove, that he couldn't stop worrying about the worst. Hope, said Professor Jove, was Solomon Kugel's greatest failing." ~ Shalom Auslander
19. "We are rational creatures, Professor Jove explained; hope is irrational. We thus set ourselves up for one dispiriting fall after the next. Anger and depression are not diseases or dysfunctions or anomalies; they are perfectly rational responses to the myriad avoidable disappointments that begin in a thoroughly irrational hope." ~ Shalom Auslander
20. "He took the diary from Mother's hand and turned it over. The heartbreaking something, he read, of a tragic whatever." ~ Shalom Auslander
21. "Vans are the vehicles of murderers. Serial Killers. Rapists. Thieves. Nothing good ever happens in a van. Police should be allowed to arrest van drivers without cause. The van is the cause, asshole." ~ Shalom Auslander
22. "Maybe when I'd dead, he thought. Maybe when I'm dead I'll get some goddamned sleep." ~ Shalom Auslander
23. "Expecting hell, we're ill prepared for heaven." ~ Shalom Auslander
24. "I'm down here, trying to live, trying to deal with the real world, while you're hiding, bitching, fucking everyone's shit up but your own, so shut up, just shut the fuck up. Thirty-two million copies, thirty-two million copies, that's what you got for your pain. What do I get for mine? What does anyone get for theirs? Nothing, not a fucking thing, they get another goddamned day of it and another goddamned day of it after that, so just shut up, will you? Will you just shut up?" ~ Shalom Auslander
25. "I kind of like it up here, Kugel said. It's got a certain fatalistic charm, a certain je ne sais fucked." ~ Shalom Auslander
26. "Oh no he does not! He does NOT read James Freaking Patterson. Our salvation - our provider…we must be out of our minds. I happen to find Patterson thought provoking and suspenseful.You what? Did you just say you find James Patterson thought provoking and suspenseful? Jesus Christ open your eyes! Are you so desperate to believe that you're defending James Patterson?!" ~ Shalom Auslander
27. "He could pull this off. He was sure of it. It would have been one thing to protect Anne Frank from the Nazis; he was pretty sure he couldn't have managed that. But protecting his family from Anne Frank? How difficult could that be?" ~ Shalom Auslander
28. "There is hurt in this world. There is pain. Hoping there won't be only makes it worse." ~ Shalom Auslander
29. "What a world, thought Kugel; whoever you were, wherever you were, whatever time of the day or night, you could open your back door and call out I know you're out there motherfucker, and nine times out of ten you'd be right." ~ Shalom Auslander
30. "Kugel set off, the wind in what would have been, some years ago, his hair." ~ Shalom Auslander
31. "Let him be floored, O Lord, thought Kugel.Let him be stunned.Let him be flabber-fucking-gasted." ~ Shalom Auslander
32. "I spent the best years of my life atoning for something I didn't do, something my parents didn't do, something done just about before I was ever even born. I got no complaints with that, but I'm about all atoned out, and I ain't yet gotten round to atoning for the things I did do." ~ Shalom Auslander
33. "SOLOMON KUGELHis performance, of late,had been subpar.Born, unfortunately. Died eventually." ~ Shalom Auslander
34. "His intelligence only exacerbated the guilt Kugel felt for bringing him into the world. It was one thing to have condemned a child to life, that was criminal enough, but life was a sentence more easily served by fools." ~ Shalom Auslander

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Today's Quote

I steal props from 'SNL' a great deal. Almost every sketch I'm in, I try to grab something from it, so I have a storage space full of props."
Author: Bobby Moynihan

What Did Shalom Auslander Talk About?

Thin
King
Ear
Here
Thou
Ten
Child
Mother
Though
Bee
Ought
Off
Ring
Pen
Era
Children
Ears
Per
Hate
Read
Wit
Hey
Won
Does
Each
Turn
Hell
Pain
Another
She
Able
Said
Whatever
Damn
Lie
Side
Die
Hand
Odd
Year

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